


Love is Not a Choice

by orphan_account



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer, All Time Low, pvris, shep689 - Fandom, youtube - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, College AU, M/M, RJ and Will have a smaller part, Will is more mentioned, religious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-01
Updated: 2015-01-16
Packaged: 2018-02-27 16:44:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 25,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2700068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alex has never been far away from his family before. College is a big step in one's life. He grew up being told the world is full of sinners. Deep down, he had sinful urges he's been able to control for the most part. That all changes when he meets his roommate, Jack Barakat</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this is heavily inspired by the Westboro Baptist church and for a while I've wondered how would one of the kids that grew up in the church deal if they were gay and here's a story out of it. It's been on the back burner for a while. Hopefully the updates will be frequent, but I won't make any promises. This also won't be an anti-relgion sort of thing. Just anti-bigotry. 
> 
> This is just a quick prologue.

Alex POV

I grew up being told my family were the only people I could really trust. I was always told the rest of the world was wrong and sinful. That's what I've always known, it is the truth. I knew that. 

My great grand father was the leader of a church called Rae Christian Church. Ever since I was really little we would weekly go to street corners and hold up signs. I was too little to really understand, all I really knew was we were trying to save people from going to hell, which I was all for. I didn't want anyone to go to hell. The one group in particular was a group of people called 'fags.' My church wanted to tell them that if they didn't change they would go to hell. 

As I grew older, I understood more. I understood what it really meant to be a fag. I understood it was wrong and disgusting and sinful and they'd burn in hell.

And I was one of them. 

Not that I wanted that. I spent years denying it. It's been working. For the most part at least. I haven't acted on these feelings. And if I saw another guy that I found attractive and I would deny it. I would deny it with everything in me. I didn't want to be a fag, I knew it was wrong. My family would hate me and God would hate me. I didn't need that. It's the worst thing that could happen. 

I'd tried forcing myself to like girls. I'd tried so hard. I couldn't trying dating any girls, everyone knew what my family was like to no one talked to me. But honestly, I'd tried finding female celebrities attractive and nothing. I wasn't repulsed by them, but the mere thought of any sexual contact with them repulsed me (and there's the fact it's sinful to procreate outside of marriage, so I couldn't force it even if someone would). 

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't masturbated to the mere thought off being with another guy. It all started when I had a dream about a guy at school. I woke up with my hand in my pants and my penis hard. I wasn't thinking when it happened and I lost control. 

There was no denying that I'm a fag at this point.

But if I don't act on those feelings, I will hopefully save myself from going to hell.

And my family's hatred. 

I was brought back into reality by the sound of breaking glass. I looked down to see a beer bottle a few feet away, keeping a firm grasp on the sign I was holding. My mom always said the attention was good; it let people know what we're saying. 

I heard the shouts of “love is love you assholes” and “gay is not a choice!” 

I disagreed. It was my decision whether or not I act on these feelings. And I won't. I never would.

That's at least what I thought until I met Jack Barakat.


	2. Chapter 2

“Don't give into temptations.” my mother told me after I heaved my last suitcase into the trunk of her car. She was driving to the airport so I could get from Baltimore to New York. I was leaving to start college, and I was beyond nervous. Terrified even. I had never been so far away from home before. Now, of course it would had made sense to go to a college closer to home, but the college in Baltimore is the only one that accepted me. I guess the last name is recognisable since my family and church are infamous. But there was no way my parents would let me go to a community college. 

“If someone offers you alcohol or drugs, stay away from them.” my mother continued as if she had memorised a lecture. And she probably did. I nodded along to her words. I knew I wouldn't do those things anyway.

“And there's a lot of fags there. They think just because they're away from their parents they can sin all they want.” There was a certain amount of bitterness and hatred and even disgust in her tone.

I'd be lying if I said her using 'fag' didn't sting. It always stung. I knew the feelings weren't a choice; if they were I wouldn't have spent so many years crying myself to sleep when I realised my feelings.

“Remember, the girls there are sluts. They have no respect for themselves, and will throw themselves at you.”

“Mom, you don't need to worry. I have respect for myself.” I told her. It was half true. I mean, there was no way I would have sex with a girl. And I've been doing good at controlling my urges towards guys. 

I was going to attempt to make friends though. I decided I won't be outcasted like in high school. I'd make a few friends and just blend in with the crowd.

She sighed. “I still can't believe my baby is all grown up.”

I hugged her. I was always a mama's boy. I didn't want to go far away either. I had relied on my family and my church for my entire life that I had no idea how I was going to handle life on my own. “I'm going to miss you.” I mumbled.

“I'll miss you too. Be good, and remember to study hard.”

I nodded and stepped into the car with her.

…

I was more or less intimidated my the large number of people that were already at the campus when I arrived. Out of nerves, I tightened my grip on the handlebar of the cart I had gotten to push my luggage while I tried to focus on the music playing from my phone. Music always helped calm down my nerves, so I knew it was best to put all my attention on that.

It had finally hit me that I was alone. It was only three hours, but it was still enough to make me feel alone. I was so used to my church's community and having them to rely on that it was terrified to start from scratch. 

I looked down at my knuckles, only now realising I was clutching the handlebar so tight my knuckles we white. I took a deep breath and loosened my grip, attempting to relax myself. I walked over to check in and the girl behind the counter gave me a friendly smile.

“Name?” she asked.

“Gaskarth. Alexander Gaskarth.” I said.

Her smile falters. “'Gaskarth'? Where have I heard that name?” she said, checking my name off on the clipboard and shuffled through the packs that had my dorm key and other information. I simply shrugged, even though she probably knew that name.

She handed me my key, my pack, and a map. “Hope you enjoy your time here.” she smiled and I gave her a nod. 

I looked at the map and got a vague idea of where my dormitory was. All the buildings looked alike so that didn't help. I'd only been on my own for a few hours and I already hated it. This place was huge and intimidating. I came from a really small town with a graduating class off less than one hundred people so I was nowhere near used to such a big place.

I finally located the dormitory. It was bigger than I expected it would be. Alot bigger.

I took a deep breath and walked towards the doors. I knew the dormitory was going to be co-ed, much to my parents displeasure. I recall my mother ranting on how Godless they were, thinking it was okay to have guys and girls so close to one another. 

I was a few floors up so I took the elevator so I could get my cart up. Aside from me, there were two girls in the elevator talking excitedly. There were already a few people in the halls when I stepped out of the elevator, probably upperclassmen catching up. They were hanging out in the halls, talking to their friends and not paying any attention to me as I passed them. 

I walked down the hall, counting each number I passed. 333, 335, 337, and finally 339. My room. I unlocked the door and opened it. My breath hitched in my throat at the sight of the boy in front of me.

The boy was looking down at his suitcase on his bed. I was looking at him from the side. His dark hair was falling into his face, he had thick facial hair, and his tongue was between his teeth, pocking through his lips. 

I cleared my throat. The man looked up and I was able to look at him properly. He smiled at me. “Hey, are you my roommate?” he asked.

I nodded. “Yeah.”

He nodded, walking closer to me and stuck out his hand. “Jack Barakat.” he said.

I shook his hand. “Alexander... Alexander William” I said. It was like I couldn't get my last name out. The name was so well known and I couldn't have my really attractive roommate know the family I come from and be hated. I'd just let him assume William is my last name rather than my middle.

Wait, did I just call him attractive? No. He's not attractive. He wasn't. Not with those those dark brown eyes and that hair and his smile and his lips...

No. He's not. Just push the feelings away. Like you always have. Like you always will.

“Nice to meet you Alexander.” he smiled at me and I almost melted at the way he said my name. “Is it alright if I call you Alex?” he asked.

No one had ever called me Alex. But that name sounded so perfect with his voice I just nodded. “Sure. No one ever calls me that.” I replied, pushing my cart into the room and parking it by the second bed.

“Well you're in college now. You can reinvent yourself.” he said grinning. “I'm in my Junior year. Last two years have been the best of my life. You're gonna have a lot of fun.”

I returned his smile, trying to not get lost in his voice. His voice is something I could listen to forever. “And I thought I was here to study.” I joked.

“Oh yeah, that too.” he shrugged. “On a more serious note though, are you nervous about being away from home?” he asked.

“Yeah, actually. I've always had my family, y'know?”

“Don't worry about that.” he assured. “All Freshmen are nervous for the first few weeks.” he smiled at me. Doesn't that perfect smile ever leave his face?

“Thanks. I'm not that great at making friends.” I said, shuffling on my feet. 

“Well you've got me.” he grinned, eyes sparkling. “And I'll introduce you to my friends. They're really friendly and nice. You can eat dinner with us.” he offered. 

I smiled at his kindness. I guess I could at least attempt to make some friends. And if I was going to live with this guy I might as well try to get along with him. And ignore the feelings he's causing me. 

“Thanks. That'll be really great. That's really nice of you.”

He shrugged. “I was a Freshman once too. I know what it's like to be thrown into something so different. My roommate was an asshole, so I decided that day that if I got a Freshman roommate, I won't be an ass.”

I smiled. “What if I turn out to be an asshole?”

“Then you'll have to sleep outside.” he joked.

“All on my own?” I asked.

“Yep.”

“You wouldn't do that to a poor, defenceless Freshman.” I pouted.

“If it was what I had to do I would have to do it.” he said in mock seriousness. “In all seriousness though, if you need any help with making friends or finding your way around, just ask. And you have full permission to follow me around like a puppy.”

“Good thing I love dogs.” I said.

“That's good, because my mom never let me have a dog when I was a kid. You can be my puppy.” I laughed in response, and he smiled at me. “Good, you find me funny rather than annoying. Since we'll be living together. I think I nearly drove my last two roommates insane with my bad jokes.”

“Is that a warning or a threat?” I asked.

“We'll see if you try to murder me in my sleep.”

…

I followed Jack to the dining hall. I was glad I did, I definitely would've gotten lost trying to find it. Jack was going to introduce me to his friends, so I was glad I was going to know at least some people. He put on a leather jacket since it was a little cool outside and I had to ignore how good it looked on him. 

I got some lasagne and he got waffles, saying breakfast for dinner is his favourite. I followed him to a table, already occupied by a girl. 

“Hey Lynn.” he said, smiling at her. She was quite pretty actually. She had long brown hair and her left eyebrow had intentional gaps in it. 

“Hey Barakat.” she smiled. “Who's your friend?” she asked, giving me a friendly smile, as Jack and I sat across from her.

“Alex, my roommate. Alex, this is Lynn.”

“Nice to meet you.” I smiled at her.

“You too. Are you a Freshman?” she asked.

“Yeah.” I nodded.

“Well I hope Jack doesn't drive you crazy.” 

“I already warned him.” Jack said. “Are Michael and Luke here yet?” he asked.

She shook her head. “No, I think they're held up in one of their rooms.”

“What a shock.” Jack said, cutting off a piece of his waffle and stuffing it into his mouth.

Lynn fake gagged and stuffed some spaghetti into her mouth. They didn't say what these Luke and Michael people were doing, just heavily implying. Idecided to pretend they weren't implying what they so obviously were.

“So are you two together?” I asked, attempting to make conversation.

They both looked at me, then to each other, then burst out into laughter. Okay, not a couple.

“Dude, no.” Jack said in between laughs. When he caught his breath he said. “No, I'm gay.”

“Me too.” Lynn said, shaking her head. 

Oh no.

Oh no no no no. 

Out of all people I could had made friends with it was fags. Are you kidding me! I needed to get along with Jack though; I was stuck living with him until the end of the school year. It didn't help that I was already having urges towards Jack. I should be able to control them. I can. I had been for years. But I'd never had someone so close, so accessible, and even so attractive. This wasn't like a male celebrity or a classmate; this was a guy I was living with. What if I lose control and give into the temptations?

I simply shrugged, acting like it didn't bother me and these fears weren't running through me head. Jack's words rang through my head. You're in college now. You can reinvent yourself. Yeah, maybe I could just pretend things like this didn't bother me. It was the reason no one at my high school had hung around me.

“Well, either of you in relationships?” I asked. I figured that was the best way to make it seem like it didn't bother.

“Yep, but unfortunately my love Alexa is in Michigan.” Lynn said. “But we Skype and text constantly. Distance sucks though.” 

“That does suck.” I said. I turned to Jack. “What about you?”

“I am unfortunately single and lonely. Haven't had a boyfriend since Freshman year. He was okay, but I guess it just wasn't meant to last.” he shrugged.

I nodded along. “Well, you seem like a cool guy. I'm sure you'll meet someone.”

“I seem like a cool guy?” he said in mock horror. “I'll have you know I'm the coolest guy you'll ever meet.”

“That because he hasn't met me yet.” an Australian accent chimed in.

I looked up to see two guys hand in hand, each holding a plate of food in their free hands. One had red hair and an eye brow piercing and the other had a blond quiff and a lip ring.

Jack snorted. “Sure, Michael. Keep telling yourself that.” he said as the two guys say across from us, the red head sitting next to Lynn.

Michael turned to the guy I assumed was the Luke mentioned from before, and fake pouted. “You think I'm cool, right.”

Luke tapped Michael's nose, making a bopping sound. “Sure, I like you.” Luke said, also having an Australian accent.

“Better hope, since you suck his dick.” Jack said with a playful smirk.

Luke playfully glared at him. “To think I missed you.”

“He's just jealous he doesn't have anyone to suck his.” Michael said, smirking at Jack.

“Why are you so mean to me.” Jack fake pouted.

“We hate you obviously.” Luke said with a playful smirk. He then looked at me. “Who's your friend?” Luke asked.

“This is my roommate Alex, Alex this is Michael and Luke. Ignore them; they're gross and in love.”

“You're so bitter because you're single.” Michael said, and rolled his eyes.

“I just can't find a guy I like.” he shrugged.

“You're so picky.” Lynn said, wiping off sauce that had gotten on her chin with the back of her hand.

He playfully glared at her. “It's not that, I just have a lot of trouble finding someone I don't want to drive a knife through after talking to them for a few minutes; then there's other things like being attractive, gay, single, and willing to date me. It's quite difficult.”

“Like I said, picky.” she smirked. Jack playfully poked his tongue at her. “Where you from by the way, Alex?” She asked, changing the subject.

“Baltimore.” I said.

“Hey, me too.” Jack said, grinning at me.

“What do you think of college so far?” Michael asked, his arm slung over Luke and feeding him a french fry, looking at him rather than me.

“Big.” I said. “But I have Jack to show me around.” I shrugged.

“Well if it makes you feel better, all the other Freshmen feel the same way you do.” Luke said, tapping Michael's cheek with his nose.

I was actually really surprised of how open they were being. Really surprised actually. I acted like it didn't make me uncomfortable. I wasn't used to seeing gay couples hold hands, much less be so affectionate. I guess my mom was right when she said there were a lot of fags in college. Although, they both were smiling really big...

No. It's wrong. It's always been wrong, even if they didn't choose to feel the way they did. Neither did Jack or Lynn. But I was the only one making the choice to not act on those feelings. Despite how hard it was...

I guess they just grew up being told it was okay. No one around the dining hall seemed to care. And Lynn and Jack were having their own conversation that I wasn't really paying attention to. 

I could already tell this life is going to be very different from my life at home.


	3. Chapter 3

I wasn't sure how it happened. I wasn't sure how I let it happen. All I knew was that Jack was above me moaning into my ear.

“Oh my God.” I moaned, letting out a shaky breath as he grinds our hips together, our boxers the only thing between us. 

“This is wrong.” I whimpered, bitting my lip to hold back a moan as he pressed his hand firmly against me. It is wrong, but it felt so good.

“You sure?” he asked, pressing more firmly on my boxers. It wasn't helping the wet spot that was already a problem. “I'll stop if you want me to.”

I licked my top lip. I didn't want him to stop. When I didn't say anything, he kept going.

“I'll make you feel so good, baby.” he said and bit my ear lobe. “So, so, good.”

He began to kiss my neck. My breath hitched in my throat, softly moaning. God, this felt so, so good. Why did I deprive myself from this for so long? This felt amazing. This man was doing this to me. Maybe it couldn't be wrong if it felt so good. Maybe I was lied to. 

“These need to go.” he said as I felt his fingers find their way under the waistband of my boxers. I moaned in agreement. I let him take them off. I felt him touch my erection. Oh God it felt so good.

“Gonna make you feel s'good, baby.” he said, gently biting my neck.

I let my hands drift to the waistband of his boxers. I began to tug them down.

Ringing. I heard loud ringing.

My eyes shot open with my heart racing a mile a minute. I was in my bed. It was a dream. Just a dream.

Why did that disappoint me?

“Turn it off!” I heard Jack groan. 

I only now realised my phone alarm was going off. I turned to my side so I could reach over to it and quickly turned it off. When the ringing stopped and I had kicked off my sheets, I felt something hard pressing against my stomach. I knew what it was immediately.

“Great.” I muttered. That dream gave me an boner. Just what I needed.

“What's wrong?” Jack asked, turning on his side to look at me. I felt my face heat up, and I knew he saw the very obvious tend in my pants. He was grinning at me, looking like he was holding back a laugh. “Don't worry about it, Lex. Happens to the best of us.”

I groaned, burying my face into my pillow. Great. Just perfect. It was bad enough I had a boner, but one that I got because I was dreaming about him. This was going down as one of my top five most embarrassing moments. 

“Just take a cold shower. You'll be fine.” Jack said, sitting up and stretching his arms above his head and yawning. He was like a kitten. Cuter than a kitten. I just wanted to cuddle with him...

I shook off the feeling. I was just thinking that because of the dream I had. I turned away so he wouldn't see my blush.

I heard his bed squeak as he stepped out of bed. I glanced over at him to see him wearing nothing but his boxers. He was really lanky, which for whatever reason just made him really attractive to me. I'm pretty sure I felt my already hard dick slightly twitch. 

I turned away so I wouldn't be caught staring. Why was it so hard for me to resist this one guy? Why was he so different from all the other guys? 

“Hey, Lex.” Jack said, brining be back into reality. I looked back up at him. “If you're gonna quit your daydreaming, you might want to shower quickly. Just a piece of advice. It's the first day of classes after all.” 

I nodded rather sheepishly and got out of bed. 

“Also tip; just cover your boner with a towel.” he playfully smirked at me and left the room, carrying a towel, a toiletries bag, while wearing nothing but his boxers. 

I was tempted to get rid of my boner myself, and I almost did. Instead, I came to my senses and grabbed a towel and my toiletries bag.

…

The first week of classes went by really fast. It was hard trying to figure out my way around campus – one time I ended up getting so lost I had to call Jack on the brink of tears to figure out how to get there and made it to class barely on time – but I was getting used to the new area and atmosphere. The professors were really nice and pretty laid back. A lot better than my high school teachers. 

Despite the fact the school year had just started, I was already studying more than I needed. Which is why I had a pile of textbooks beside me in the library on a Friday night. 

I heard the seat across from me drag as someone pulled it out. I would had ignored if the person didn't push down the book I was reading. I was met with Jack's face.

“Studying already?” he asked.

I shrugged. “No such thing of starting too early.”

He ran a hand through his greasy skunked hair. “You're really showing me up. I've barely started any of my assignments.”

“Well you're already here, you could start now.” I suggested, and smirked playfully at him.

“I could, but I won't.” he shrugged, softly chuckling. “I was actually looking for you.”

I looked down at the book in front of me, attempting to hide my blush. “W- why?” I asked.

I felt him brush my hair out of my face to force me to look at him. “Are you okay?” he asked, and I sensed some worry in his voice. 

“I'm fine.” I say, a little forcefully, flinching back from his hand.

He frowned in confusion. “Uh, okay. Anyway, my friend's frat house is having a party for the new year. I wanted to see if you wanted to come.”

“Oh, uh I don't drink.” I replied.

“You don't have to. You can meet some people. I know a lot of people. I could get you someone to talk to you. Or more with someone. Depends whatever you're into.”

I knew exactly what he was implying. He wanted to find me someone to hook up with. And possibly, it was his way of asking is I was gay. There was no way I was going to tell him. 

“I like girls!” I said, albeit, a little too forcefully.

He looked taken aback at my outburst; concern and confusion flashed through his eyes. “This whole me being gay thing isn't a problem, is it?” he asked carefully. 

“No. It isn't.” I shook my head. Lie. Another lie. It is a problem because I didn't trust myself around him. I was petrified I'd lose control and give into him.

“Well, good.” he said, kind of awkwardly. “Uh, I know some nice girls. And – please take this as a compliment – you are cute. Actually really cute.” If my face wasn't already as red as a tomato, it definitely was now. “So there's plenty of girls I know that will pretty much be all over you.” He smiled at me. A smile that he probably hoped would ease the tension.

“Thanks, but no thanks.” I shrugged.

“Particular reason?” he asked. When I didn't answer, realisation flashed through his eyes. “Oh, I get it.”

“You... do?” I just lied that I was straight. He seriously couldn't have figured me out!

“You're a virgin.” he concluded. 

“You caught me.” I said, smiling, hoping to convince him that he was right in his conclusion. “I uh, also haven't had a girlfriend... or been kissed.”

I studied his face; he didn't look like he was judging. If anything, he was slightly confused. 

“Oh, that's fine. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.” he assured.

“There's... actually kind of a reason I haven't.” I said.

“Why?”

“No one at school liked me very much.”

“I can't see why they wouldn't like you. I've only known you for a week, but you're already on my 'I don't want to drive a knife through you' list.”

“Good to know.” I mumbled. “It's actually kind of a long story.” I said, looking down to avoid his eye. “Actually, a really long story.”

“I've got time.” he said, folding his arms on the table. 

I went through a mental debate. Should I just tell him where I came from? But when he asked if I had a problem with him being gay, I could tell that it wouldn't be a good thing. Maybe I should just tell him how I feel towards him. Maybe I should just get it over and done with; no matter how wrong it was. All I knew was I was concentrating on his lips. 

“It's nothing. I'll go.” I said, sighing defeated.

He didn't look convinced. But instead of pushing it he nodded and said, “Let's go then.”

…

If I were to expect anything from the frat house, it was absolute chaos; with a bunch of drunk people in their early twenties practically dry humping. I got the complete opposite.

It was actually pretty civil. 

Albeit, there was alcohol, but I guess that was more expected. Considering most of the guys that lived in the frat house were at least over 21. 

I felt really out of place at the party. Everyone knew each other already and I followed Jack like a puppy. He did say I could but it didn't make me feel any less pathetic. 

He'd introduced me to a few of his friends and they were really nice; I doubt any of them would've talked to me if I wasn't with Jack though.

Somehow though I ended up alone talking to a girl named Tay. And by somehow, I meant Jack introduced us and walked off. She was pretty, I'd admit that. And she was really nice. And fun to talk to. She did distract me from thinking about Jack, I guess. 

She was also a talker. And she talked a lot. I guess I didn't mind. I wasn't the most social person in the world, so she talked enough for the both of us. 

“So what do you think of the college so far?” she asked.

“Uh, it's big. Not that used to it yet.” I said awkwardly, scratching the back of my neck. I'd never actually talked to a girl like this. 

“There's some really good cafes and stuff like that on campus.” She said, shuffling on her feet.

“I've heard.” I replied, with a shrug. 

“Have you thought about checking one of them out with anyone?” 

I finally realised what she was hinting at. She wanted me to ask her out. She was making it blatantly obvious. No girls had ever showed interest in me so I really had no idea what to really do. I decided to just follow her hints.

“Do you want to go hang out at one of them, like as a date?” I asked, and her face lit up in a smile.

“I'd love to.” she grinned. Her eyes were sparkling, but it wasn't like the sparkle I'd always see in Jack's. But I pushed that thought from my mind.

Maybe I'd finally be able to leave this whole gay thing behind me. Just one more lie to tell myself.

“I'm still kind of new, and I get lost really easily. So feel free to pick the cafe.” I said.

“I know the perfect cafe. Really nice. Great coffee.” she grinned. “How about I meet you outside your dorm at seven tomorrow?” 

I nodded in agreement, ignoring the regret that set in my stomach. It's done. I'm going on a date with a girl.

“Yo, Alex!” I heard a voice boom over the music. I turned to see Jack speed walking towards me.

“Yeah Jack?” I asked. He was grinning at me, eyes sparkling.

“I wanted to ask if you wanna play beer pong with me and some people?” He asked.

“I told you I don't drink.” I reminded him.

He slapped his forehead. “Right, sorry. Stupid me. You could come and watch.”

I shrugged. “I guess.” I turned back to Tay. “Is that okay?”

She shrugged. “I don't really care. Just keep an eye on him; you will probably have to carry his drunk ass back to your dorm.”

I nodded and followed Jack as he snaked around the crowd of people. 

We got to a more spacious room to where a ping pong table that had red plastic cups filled with beer on either end set up similar to how bowling pins are set.

Michael and Luke were there too, standing on the end Jack went to standing on, opposite three other guys. One had really long and curly brown hair; one had red hair; and the last had dark brown, longish hair. Michael and Luke smiled at me when they saw me. “Hey dude.” Luke said. “You playing?”

“I don't drink.” I shrugged. 

“Suit yourself.” Luke shrugged.

“He came to watch us beat these guys.” Jack said grinning at me.

“Is this your new boy toy, Jack?” the guy with the long brown hair asked. 

I felt my face heat up and Jack simply chuckled. “This one's straight, Levi.”

“My mistake.” the guy – Levi – shrugged. “He was following you like a puppy earlier, so I just assumed.”

People noticed? Am I really that pathetic? 

“Leave the guy alone. He's a Freshman, and my roommate. I'm just being a nice guy.” Jack said.

“Whatever man.” Levi turned to me. “I'm Levi by the way.” he pointed to the guys next to him. “That's Jordan and Alan.” 

Jordan nodded and Alan gave a playful salute.

“Alex.” I said. 

“Okay, ready to get your asses whooped?” Michael asked, clapping his hands together.

“We'll see, Clifford.” Jordan smirked. 

The game began. Jack went first. He held the pingpong ball between his thumb and forefinger, holding it in front of his right eye, preparing for aim. He threw the ball, it bounced on the table before landing in the red plastic cup. Jack held up his arms in victory. “Yes!” he high fived Michael and Luke and did a mock bow. “Thank you, thank you.”

“Oh shut up, you cocky ass.” said Alan, rolling his eyes. 

I couldn't help but laugh at Jack's enthusiasm. I loved how he looked when he was happy and his face would light up with a grin. I looked away before he caught me staring at him.

I watched as the game went on. Obviously, the more each of them drank the worse their aims got. I was watching a few other people, making small talk with a girl named Valerie while I half watched the game. I wasn't entirely sure how the game worked but by the looks of it, Jack's team was winning. And both teams had gotten pretty drunk.

“Do you like Jack?” Valerie asked out of nowhere.

I go wide eyed. “Wha- what are you talking about?” I stuttered out.

She looked a little taken aback at my reaction. “Uh, just the way you're smiling at him. I don't know; I guess I could just sense something. From both of you.”

“I... like... girls.” I got out.

“...You sure about that?” she asked, raising her brow.

“Yes!” I was being forceful again. I doubt I was fooling anyone with that.

She frowned at me. “Uh, okay.”

Our conversation came to an end when I heard loud whooping. Jack, Michael, and Luke all had their hands in the air cheering and high fiving each other so I guessed they won the game. I couldn't help but smile at them. Or more so Jack. His enthusiasm was infectious, and his laugh was perfect. He caught my gaze and smiled at me; I smiled back at him.

“Maybe I'm at least half right.” I heard Valerie mutter. Instead of defending myself, I ignored her. 

Just because Jack's gay doesn't mean he had feelings for me.

Just because he called me cute doesn't mean he has feelings for me.

I don't have any feelings for him beyond my physical attraction for him.

Right?  
…

About an hour later I was walking through campus, my arm slung around a very drunk Jack. 

“Tonight was fun.” He slurred out. “Make any friends?”

“Uh, I guess. I got a date with Tay.” I said. 

He smiled. “That's good.” he yawned. 

“Do you often get this drunk?” I asked.

He didn't reply, he just laughed. I thought back to Tay's comment on how I'd be dragging him back to our dorm drunk, so I guess he probably did. 

We finally made it to our dorm. He stumbled in and I close the door behind us. I helped him onto his bed. I held him up as I moved back the sheets and in the process, he fell back on the bed with arms around my neck; causing me to fall on top of him.

“Jack!” I groaned.

“Can't hear you. I'm asleep.” he stated.

“What the hell, dude?” I groaned, my face burning.

“Shh, go to sleep Lex.” he said.

I grabbed his wrists and unhooked his hold on my neck. 

“Go to sleep.” I said, ignoring his pout.

“'Kay.” he mumbled.

“Night Jack.” I said, setting his sheets properly on his body.

“Night Lex.”


	4. Chapter 4

“Are you nervous ‘bout your date?” Jack asked, his lanky body sprawled out on his bed.Yeah, I was nervous. I’d never been on a date, much less with a girl. I wasn’t sure how I felt about her; it definitely wasn’t romantic and I laughed at the idea of it being sexual. But no matter what I called it, to her it was date. She seemed to be really nice, but I knew it wasn’t enough. I was starting to wonder why I asked her out in the first place. Sure, she hinted at it and really hard, but could she really be the one to get rid of my thoughts about guys; and most recently, Jack?

No. Probably not. But it’s too late to back out now.

“Need any advice?” Jack asked, sitting up.

I glanced over at him. “Yeah, actually I could really use some.”

“Make sure to tell her she looks nice. Don’t be too forward, unless she’s giving you signals. And most important, relax. Tay’s super nice, you’ll be fine.”

“You’re not the eighteen year old going on his first date.” I muttered. Jack rolled his eyes and got off of his bed, and rested a hand on my shoulder. I felt goosebumps cover my arms and a tugging at my stomach by the simple gesture. His face was close to mine, and I felt myself lean forward a little before pulling back. I saw confusion flash through his eyes before he replied.

“Look, it actually isn’t a big deal, okay. And it’s just a date, not as big of a deal as you think.” he said. “Just relax.” he said before squeezing my shoulder.

I smiled at him. “Thanks.” and shrugged off his hand.

I looked at my phone to check the time to see it was seven; Tay would be waiting for me downstairs.

“I gotta go.” I said, grabbing my jacket.

“Go get ‘em, tiger.” Jack grinned and I couldn’t help my smile at him.

…

Tay was waiting for me outside my dormitory when I got outside. She smiled at me when she saw me.

“Hey Alex.” She grinned.

“Hey Tay. You looked nice” I smiled back, taking Jack’s advice.

She smiled, lightly blushing. “Thanks.”

“So where’s this cafe?” I asked as we began to walk.

“Not too far from here. My personal favourite, actually.” she grinned. She brushed her hand against mine and I knew I should’ve taken it as a sign to hold her hand, but instead I flinched my hand back. She definitely noticed and raised her eyebrow at me.

We walked to the cafe in an awkward silence. I had no clue what to say. I’d never been the most social person and was terrible at talking to someone without being handed a topic. When we finally reached the cafe – which was mostly empty – she went to get a table while I went to order for us. The man behind the counter gave me a friendly smile. I glanced at his name tag, it read RJ on it.

“How can I help you?” he asked.

“Uh, a latte and a mocha. And two slices of cheese cake.”

He rung up the order and I waited by the counter for the coffee to be prepared. I noticed at ‘help wanted’ sign.

“You’re hiring?” I asked when he set one coffee mugs on the space of the counter in front of me.

“Yep, you want a job?” he asked while preparing the second coffee.

“A job will be good, actually.” I said.

“We’re kind of desperate, so just leave your name and number.” he explained and handed me a notepad and pen.

I nodded and scribbled down my name and number on it. I put it on the counter and he set down the second mug of coffee and two cheese cake slices. I slipped one hand through the handles of the mugs and held the two plates of the cheese cake in my free hand.

I went to the table Tay waiting at and sat across from her, setting the latte and a slice of cheese cake in front of her.

“So,” I began. “Where are you from?”

“New York.” she said, taking a sip of her latte. “You?”

“Baltimore.”

She nodded. “How do you know Jack?” she asked.

Are. You. Kidding. Me. How do things always come back to Jack? That really can’t be the only conversation starter she could thing of?

Regardless of that, I answered. “He’s my roommate.” I shrugged, ignoring the smile that creeped on my lips.

She nodded. “I met him Freshman year; nice guy.”

“Mhm.” I mumbled.

We fell into an awkward silence. I was starting to realise what a bad idea this was. Yeah, you go on dates to get to know people but this was really awkward. And now that she’d brought up Jack I couldn’t stop thinking about him. And how much I would rather be with him. I knew I was terrible to think that since this is a date, but I was just not interested in Tay. Maybe not even a friendship since this was just plain awkward.

“Uh, I need to use the ladies room.” she mumbled and stood up, going to the bathroom.

I sat back in my seat and sighed.

“Wow, haven’t see a date go that badly in a while” I heard RJ say. I glanced over at him.

“It even looks that bad?” I asked.

“You’ve barely spoken and she excused herself to the bathroom after barely ten minutes.” he said. I groaned in frustration.

“Do you even like her?” he asked.

“No.” I replied. “I met her yesterday and she made it pretty obvious she wanted to go on a date. I didn’t know what else to do.”

“Are you gay?” he asked abruptly.

Am I really that transparent? Why do people seem to always ask if I’m gay? Or have feelings for Jack? Okay, so there’s only been RJ and that girl from the party, but why to people always seem to know?

“N- no!” I said wide eyed. “Wh- why do you ask?”

He raised his eyebrow at me. “Uh, I don’t know. You did kind of lit up when she brought up that guy.”

“Well I’m not.” I said, chewing my lip.

He didn’t look convinced, and that was probably due to my terrible lying and my nervous mannerisms. I probably never convinced anyone.

Tay came back and sat back across from me.

“Sorry that took so long.” she said, sitting back in her seat. “Uh, my friend called me and she said she needed me as soon as possible.” she stuttered. “So, I’ll finish my coffee but I’ll take the cake to go. Sorry.”

I held up my hands. “Oh, no. It’s fine.” I said, honestly thankful for this. She was more than likely using it as an excuse to end an awkward date, but I was more than fine with that. She quickly drank the rest of her latte and got a to-go box for her cheese cake and left me alone.

“Well that was definitely a bust.” RJ said.

“Thanks, Sherlock.” I snapped.

“My advice, finish your coffee and go share that cake with someone you like.” he said. I looked back at him, and nodded. I quickly finished my mocha and got my cake in a to-go box and an extra plastic fork, deciding to take RJ’s advice on sharing it with someone I liked; that person obviously being Jack.

I got back to my dorm room and Jack had his laptop set in his lap. He looked up at me when I closed the door.

“Well you were gone for less than an hour.” he said. “Didn’t go well?” he asked.

I sighed. “No. It was really awkward. But I’ve got cake we can share.” I smiled at the last part, holding up the box.

He smiled at me. “Well get over here.” he said, shuffling to the side to make more room for me. “I hope you like Home Alone.” he said when I sat next to him, resting my back on the headboard behind his bed.

“Never really seen it.” I said, handing him one of the plastic forks and opening up the lid of the box. It was barely eaten so I doubt Jack would mind.

“Well, that’s changing today.” he replied, clicking to go back to the first scene.

I watched the movie, letting my body relax as we shared the cheese cake.

“But how could they just forget him?” I asked a while into the movie.

“Don’t question this work of art.” he said simply.

I rolled my eyes but smiled none the less. The movie seemed to make him really happy, and that was nice to see. I got kind of distracted watching him mouth along with the movie. This was obviously his favourite movie. Without thinking, I rested my head on his shoulder.

“You tired?” he asked.

I sat back up. “Sorry.”

He looked at me for a moment before chuckling and shaking his head.

“What?” I asked.

“Nothing; just please don’t be that straight dude that says ‘no homo’. It’s annoying as fuck.”

I blushed. “Sorry.” I mumbled. “I just… didn’t have friends back home. I don’t really know what’s okay and what isn’t.”

He smiled. “I guess it depends on how well you know the person.” he shrugged. “But head resting’s fine.”

With slight hesitation, I rested my head back on his shoulder and let myself relax. I felt his he rest on my own and it felt… nice. It was comforting in a way.

“So, what’d you think?” he asked when the movie ended. I sat up, smiling.

“I liked it.” I said.

“Good, since it’s my favourite movie.” he said.

“Really? Couldn’t tell.” I joked.

He fake glared at me. “You’re gonna pay for that, William.” I didn’t have time to remember I said William was my last name because he pinned me to his bed and started tickling my sides.

“S-stop! Jack!” I laughed. It was no use, he just pressed his fingers into my sides harder. I latched my knees to his sides and rolled us to I was on top grabbing his wrists to pin them above his head.

“You’re such an ass.” I smirked down at him, trying to ignore how hot he looked out of breath with his hair messy.

“Am I cute one though?” he pouted. I rolled my eyes and got off of him. He sat up and ran his hand through his hair. “Want to watch another movie?” he asked.

I shrugged. “Depends, are you going to attack me again?”

“Nope.”

“Then what do you have?” I asked, sitting back next to him.

“Nightmare Before Christmas.” he grinned.

“What the hell is it with you and Christmas movies?” I laughed and he simply shrugged, grinning at me. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t really like this chapter. This took longer than I planned because I had writer’s block. RJ is from YouTube. He and his fiance’s channel is called shep689
> 
> My [Tumblr](http://caraphatash.tumblr.com/)


	5. Chapter 5

I got a call for a job interview at the cafe – which I later learnt was called Canals- the following day. The interview was really casual and I ended up getting a job as a cashier. Simple enough and it was some extra money. 

Training went by quick; and I soon found myself behind the cash register. The cafe was a lot busier during the day than it was last night. A lot of students seemed to come here between classes to study or hang out with friends.

“Ah, so you got the job.” A familiar voice chimed in when it had calmed down. I turned my head to see RJ smiling at me.

“Oh hey.” I said. 

“Didn't properly introduce myself; I'm RJ.” he stuck out his hand. 

“Alex.” I shook his hand. 

“So, did you take my advice on sharing the cake with someone you actually like?” he asked.

“Yeah.” I replied. “I went to share it with my roommate and we ended up just watching movies.” I explained.

“Same roommate as mentioned as last night?” he asked, a smirk on his lips.

“I haven't made many friends.” I said, feeling my cheeks warm up. “Like I said, I'm not gay.”

“Never said you were.” he smirked. “Simply asked.”

I sighed in frustration, and was relieved my the next customer that came in. I took the order and RJ made the coffee. That seemed to become our unspoken system. 

“So, this roommate of yours,” RJ began.

“What about him?” I asked, ignoring the blush on my cheeks.

“Why'd you just go red when I mentioned him, like before? And you seemed to light up when your date brought him up last night.”

“It's nothing.” I muttered.

“Who's your roommate? Maybe I know him.” 

“Jack Barakat.” I replied.

“Oh, I know him. Great guy.” he said.

“So I've heard.” I muttered. That's all I'd heard about Jack.

“That's because he is.” he said shrugging. “But, if you are by any chance gay or have feelings towards other guys, and you need someone to talk to, come to me.”

I looked at him for a moment, and I guess he took my silence as an answer. And I guess I did take a mental note to take up his offer when I needed it. 

…

“So, me and the guys are going to this counter protest.” 

I looked up from the essay I was typing to glance at Jack.

“Counter protest?” I asked.

“Yeah, you know how some religious groups hold up homophobic signs? We counter it with positivity.” he explained.

I knew exactly what a counter protest was. There were always small ones across the street when my church went out to protest. 

“Oh yeah. And?” I asked, distracting myself with the essay.

“Well, I just wanted to see if you were interested in going? They're a local church, not Rae Christian Church level, but you know, they still hold up dumb signs.”

Of course he knew about my families church. It was common knowledge at this point. But now that I knew for sure he knew my family's church there was no way I could tell him.

I thought about his offer for a moment. I was almost done with my essay – despite it still having a week before it was due – so maybe I could go? I surprised myself for considering it. But it might be different to see it from the other side.

“I guess... do I have to do anything in particular?” I asked. 

“The signs are all made, so all you need to do is stand there and look pretty.” He smiled at the last part. 

He really needed to stop with those compliments. And smiling at me. It made it harder to resist him, but there was no way he didn't notice me blushing. 

“Sure. I'll go.”

…

One thing I somehow forgot about counter protests is that there was usually kissing.

And a lot of it.

I'd lost count of how many times just Michael and Luke kissed. Even Lynn was holding sign that said 'if my girlfriend was here we'd make out.' Which I'd admit made me laugh a little. It was sweet how she missed her girlfriend. 

There were a few other signs saying things like 'love is love' and 'this “evil homosexual” just wants rights.' Being in the crowd was a lot different from seeing it from across the street. And in a way, this atmosphere was lot better. I liked it a lot more. 

The counter protesters were very peaceful. The most 'violent' was the middle finger being thrown.

I felt Jack nudge me. “What do you think so far?” he asked, 

“It's pretty cool how people put in the effort to come out here, to stand for what they believe in.” I said. And I meant that. Seeing all these people come here to stand up for what they believe in was kind of amazing.

“Yeah. The closet thing to a downside is the kissing couples. Reminds me how lonely I am.” 

I quietly laughed, smiling at him. “It's also kind of gross.” I mentally slapped myself. He could easily interpret that in a homophobic way. I was still kind of getting used to all the gays here. But in a way, I was getting used to it.

Instead he chuckled not at all looking offended. “In a 'gross couples' kind of way?” he asked.

I nodded. “Yeah. Pretty much.” And to my surprise again, it was true. Something about seeing the couples kissing someone while they're didn't bother me like it used to. I didn't really like straight couples kissing in front of me either. It was just kind of gross to see so many people kissing. But it was just gross to watch. But objectively, the couples being the same gender somehow didn't bother me.

“Well, looks like Michael and Luke are at it again.” Jack said rolling his eyes.

I glanced over to where Jack was looking and sure enough, Michael and Luke were kissing in full view of the protesters. Luke had his hands in Michael's hair and Michael had one hand on Luke's hip while his free hand holding up a middle finger to the protesters. I'll admit, they're kind of a cute couple. Since I ate breakfast and lunch every night with Jack, that included them. And honestly, they did seem really happy. 

“They're a nice couple.” I decided when I turned back to Jack.

He smiled and nodded. “I guess, as far as couples go.” he shrugged.

“How long have they been together?” I asked.

“About two years by now.” he said. He stared back at the protesters. I followed his gaze to see Michael and Luke had stopped kissing and went back to holding a sign between the two of them. It said 'we don't like girls, so instead we love each other.'

“You know, I hate when homophobes say to just ignore your sexuality and go with the opposite gender.” I heard Jack mutter out of nowhere.

I felt a pang. It was almost like he could read me like a book. I did exactly what those protesters wanted. And it was so hard. 

“Expand, aside from the obvious.” I said.

“Well, Michael and Luke did date girls before each other. I knew Michael in high school and he had a girlfriend. But he admitted that he couldn't do it no matter how much he cared about her because, well he's gay. He came out at the end of senior year. When we got to college, we met Luke and he dated girls. Long story short, they got drunk, slept together, and now they're living happily ever after.” he explained. “They just weren't... happy with girls. And that's the thing, you can repress your sexuality all you want. But you just wouldn't be happy. And naturally, they'd break down at some point...” he trailed on the last sentence. 

“Did you ever date girls?” I asked.

“I lead a girl on when I was in my freshman year of high school. I thought I could force myself to like her, but I couldn't and I ended up hurting her.” He sighed. “It takes a while to accept your sexuality. It's a process.”

“You didn't accept it?” I asked, surprised. He seemed so confident about his sexuality that it was a shock he'd ever be ashamed.

He shook his head. “Nope. I just wanted to be normal. I pretended it wasn't there. But I realised I just couldn't ignore it.” He licked his top lip and looked at the ground.

“What does your family think about you being gay?” I asked abruptly.

He didn't seem taken aback, he just simply looked back at me and shrugged before he answered. “They don't care. I came out when I was seventeen. My family was great; my sister appointed herself my matchmaker actually.” he softly laughed. “It's her way of showing she loves me. But my family reacted good, and so did my friends. Accepting myself was, like I said, a process. But I obviously got there. And I'm a lot happier.”

His words, admittedly, got to me. He felt ashamed but somehow learnt to accept it. And Michael. And Luke. I really wished I could be one of those people... 

I felt myself step forward towards Jack and for a moment I felt my face move forward, but when I realised what I was doing – along with Jack's surprised expression – I quickly stepped back. We stared at each other for a moment before I said, “I uh, I gotta get back to our dorm... to finish the essay I was writing.”

He didn't respond, he still looked surprised and dumbfounded. I practically ran back to my dorm.

…

Jack didn't bring up what happened at the counter protest. It wasn't the first time I had leaned into him like that, or like the other night where we rested our heads on each other but there was something about this time that neither he or I could brush off like the others. He spilled his heart out to me and I almost kissed him. Maybe he didn't know I was gay. Maybe I was just misreading him which would explain his reaction. But now that I almost did, I want to more than ever. And it's not like I already didn't trust myself around him.

I recalled RJ telling me I could talk to him if I needed. I don't know why, but he just felt like a guy I could trust. I'd only had my job for about two weeks now but I felt I could trust him.

It was a slow day and RJ and I were the only one's at the counter, so I took the opportunity.

“So, you know how you said I could talk to you... about...” I trailed off.

“About your sexuality?” he finished, smiling.

I nodded. “Yeah.”

“Well, shoot.” he said.

“Well, my family is really really religious. And I was told since before I could remember that being gay is wrong.” I explained.

“And you're gay.” It wasn't a question. It was a statement. 

“I've never been able to say it out loud. Mentally yeah, but I haven't said the actual words.” I explained.

“That is the hardest part. Admitting it to yourself.” he said.

I nodded, bitting a hangnail. “But if I did come out, my family will hate me. And then there's my religion...”

“Serious question.” he said. “Do you have this religion because you think it's true, or because you were told it's true?” he asked.

“I don't know.” I sighed. I'd never really thought about it. I was always told it was true, so I never thought otherwise.

“Believe what you wanna believe. Love who you wanna love. That simple.” he said defiantly. “But I know how you feel. I'm bi actually. And I was ashamed of my attraction to other guys.”

“But can't you choose to just go with girls that way? Like, in a way you can choose.” I asked.

“My church said the exact same thing.” he said. “So yes, in a sense, yes I can choose. Aside from fooling around with a few guys, I still said I was straight. And as far as someone I'd have a relationship with, I wanted to be with a woman. I had the ideal partner actually. Then one day the most amazing guy walks into my life. He was exactly the partner I pictured, just you know, different plumbing. It took me a while but eventually I was able to let myself just be boyfriends with him.” 

“Well, what happened with him?” I asked.

“We're still together. Have been for three years now. And people did see a difference in me. They said I was happier.” he said. “Which was thanks to him. I decided to let myself fall, y'know?”

“Well, what about your family?” I asked. 

He shrugged. “They came around. And they love him now.” he smiled. “And well, I do too.”

“Even though you were so adamant on not being with a guy?”

“It took time, but yeah. And I'm really happy.”

“You already said that.” I smiled.

“Well I am.” he shrugged, the smile not leaving his lips. “And if you do have feelings for Jack, there's no harm in going for it.”

“But what if it ends badly? What about my family?” The family part was the part that scared me the most. I wouldn't be able to deal with their hatred. If I came out, they'd probably disown me.

“Life is too short to focus on 'what if's'.” he said. “Take risks. And if people have a problem with it, that's their problem.”

“But what about my family? They'll hate me. Probably disown me.” I said, voicing my previous thoughts.

He sighed. “I don't know. All I can tell you it's your life and you should do what makes you happy.” he said. “Maybe right now you should focus on admitting your sexuality to yourself out loud.”

I nodded at the last part. Maybe I should.

I heard the chiming of the door and I noticed RJ light up immediately. I turned my head to see a guy with black rimmed glasses grinning right at RJ. I realised this must've been RJ's boyfriend.

“Hey Will.” I could hear the smile in RJ's voice.

“Hey.” the man smiled back. “Your shift done yet?” the man asked.

RJ looked at his watch. “Seems so.” he said grinning.

That meant my shift was done too. I slipped off my apron along with RJ and he quickly slipped around the counter and took Will's hand.

“See ya, Alex.” he said before he was out the door.

“Uh, see ya.” I stuttered watching them leave. I couldn't help but smile though. The happiness was infectious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My [Tumblr](http://caraphatash.tumblr.com/)


	6. Chapter 6

A few weeks had passed and it nearing the end of October. The weather was getting colder so I was spending more time in my dorm. Jack tried to get me out but the farthest I went when I didn't have classes or work was the library. The last time I really went out was that party at the beginning of the year. 

Ever since my talk with RJ, I'd been trying to say the words 'I'm gay' out loud. So far I'd had no luck. I'd almost get the words out but then I'd have flashbacks of the screaming of 'God hates fags.' It felt near impossible at this point. And it didn't help that whatever I was feeling towards from Jack were far from disappearing. If anything, they were only getting stronger the more I knew him. But my plan of just suppressing my feelings was still what I was going with. RJ did say I should just go for it instead of suppressing, but there was no way I was doing that. I couldn't even say I was gay out loud, doing anything physical was just out of the question.

I didn't even know what I was doing anymore. I was avoiding Jack as much as I could. That was pretty much why I refused to hang out with him outside of our dorm or meals. I didn't trust myself around him. I might actually kiss him for once. If I just didn't get to close to him I'd be fine.

Hopefully.

I just to have self control.

I heard the door to my dorm open and Jack walked through.

“Hey.” he said.

I looked up from the text book I was reading. “Hey.” 

“So, some of my friends are coming over. That cool?” he asked.

“Oh yeah, no big deal.” I shrugged. “What you gonna do?”

“We're playing a good old game of Never Have I Ever. We do it a lot and it's always my room... I know you don't drink.”

“It's fine.” I said. “I'll just distract myself.” 

He smiled. “Cool. Michael, Luke, and Lynn are coming as well as a few of my other friends. And if you change your mind, you can play. We only use light beer.”

I nodded. “Thanks. Maybe I will.” I said.

He shuffled on his feet. “Can I ask you something?”

I bit my lip. “Shoot.”

“Is something wrong? You haven't gone out in a while. And you've been kind of quiet...” he trailed off.

“Nothing's wrong.” I lied.

“You're not avoiding me, are you?” he asked playfully.

“No.” I lied. Again. I hated lying. Why couldn't I just be honest with him?

“Well... good.” he said. “My friends will be here in a few hours.”

…

Jack's friends arrived. Lynn, Michael and Luke came along with some people I hadn't met before; Jess, Cassadee, Kellin, and Brian. They were really nice and even invited me to join, but I declined. 

“Never have I ever had a girlfriend.” said Kellin.

Jess, Lynn, Michael, Luke, Jack and Brian took a sip of their beer.

“Never have I ever done anything sexual with anyone in this room.” Jack said with a smirk right at Michael and Luke. They playfully glared back at him and took a sip of their drinks.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't tempted to join. It was really casual and seemed like fun.

“Never have I ever had someone walk in on me during sex.” said Jess.

Michael, Luke, Kellin, and Cassadee took a sip.

“Never have I ever fantasised about anyone in this room.” said Lynn.

Okay, I was glad to be not be playing right now.

Michael, Luke, and... Jack took a sip. I definitely noticed his cheeks tint red a little. None of the new guys seemed to have noticed or cared, but I definitely noticed Lynn, Michael, and Luke's knowing looks. 

After a few more questions, and honestly kind of sick of being left out, I sat up. “Can I play?” I asked.

“Was waiting for you to break actually.” Jack smirked.

“Don't make me come over there and kick your leg.” I shot back.

He fake gasped. “You wouldn't dare?”

“Girls, you're both pretty!” said Brian. “Now give the man his beer.” 

Jack poured me a beer and handed me a red plastic cup.

“Okay, my turn. Never have I ever lied to leave a bad date.” Brian said.

Cassadee, Lynn, and Jess took a somewhat guilty sip of their beer.

“Wow, girls are awful.” Jack laughed.

“Okay, Alex. Your turn.” Jack said. We were sitting in a circle and turns were going clockwise, so since I was sitting next to Brian it was my turn.

“Uh... never have I ever... I don't know; gotten drunk.”

Everyone took a sip of their beer.

“That'll probably change fast.” Jack said, softly laughing.

We played a little while longer. There really weren't many questions I did drink on, since a lot of them were more sexual.

“Never have I ever wanted to kiss someone I knew I shouldn't.” said Michael.

I took a sip as well as Jess, Luke, and Brian. Jack caught my gaze. His face was impassive. There was no doubt he thought, or knew it was him. 

It was Jack's turn. “Uh, never have I ever lied about something big about myself.” He looked right at me when he said this.

I should've taken a sip, but I didn't. I didn't want to fall for his tests only to be questioned later. When sips were taken, he looked away from me, but not before shaking his head at me.

There was no doubt he was catching on and fast.

…

“Babe! I'm home!” Jack's voice called setting his briefcase on the kitchen table.

I grinned at him, looking away from my laptop. “Hey cutie.” I said and went back to typing.

I could see he frowned from my peripherals. “Don't I get a kiss?”

I rolled my eyes and stood up. I stepped forward, wrapping my arms around his neck and pecked his plump lips. “There.” I smirked playfully stepping away.

“Lame.” he said.

“You want better?” I challenged.

He nodded. “Yep.”

I stepped back into his hold, wrapping my arms around his neck and him wrapping his around my waist and I kissed him deeply. I heard him softly moan and inwardly smiled. He kissed me back while he trailed his finger on the exposed skin of my lower back, drawing small circles. The simple act sent shivers down my spine. 

I gently tugged his lip with my teeth before I pulled away. “Better?” 

“Much.” He grinned and kissed my forehead. I was about to pull away but before I could Jack said, “Love you and your sweet ass.” and he slapped it.

I giggled stepping away. “You're an idiot.”

“True, but I'm you're idiot.” he grinned.

I playfully poked my tongue at him.

“You sure are, Barakat.” I smiled.

He stepped forward nudged my cheek playfully with his nose. He moved his lips to my ear and he whispered. “And don't you forget it,” He kissed my ear “Barakat.”

…

I woke up with a start and my heart beating fast. I took a minute to get control of my breathing. I was sweating.

Oh no. This was worse than the sex dream. Way worse. I dreamt we got married...

I've unintentionally dug myself in a hole so deep there's not way I can get out of it. 

“You okay?” I heard Jack whisper.

I looked at him through the dark. “Yeah. Had an... interesting dream.” I said. “Did I wake you?” I asked.

“No. Can't sleep.” then a grin spread across his face. “I've got an idea.” he said.

“What is it?” I asked.

He got out of bed. “It's a surprise. Get dressed.”

I raised my eyebrow. “Where are we going?” I asked.

“You'll see.” he said as he slips on a shirt.

The weird thing was, my brain was screaming to go with him, rather than what it probably would've done when I got here. So I quickly got dressed.

…

Since it was late October it was cold out. Jack was wearing a thick hoodie and I kind of wanted to take it since it looked warm and it would smell like him. But I pushed that away since that made me sound like a stalker.

“Where are we going?” I asked. I hadn't been in this area of campus.

“You'll see.” he grinned. I smiled back. How could a person possibly be so positive all the time? I could only wish to be like that. 

“Are you planning to murder me?” I asked jokingly. 

“Damn it, you figured me out.” he smiled. I wanted to cuddle with him right then and there.

We walked the rest of the way in a comfortable silence. It was really quiet. Since it was so early most people had left whatever parties were probably going on. I could see streams of light coming through some dorms curtains, probably from people pulling all nighters or up late on the internet. 

“We're here.” Jack said and I looked to see where we were.

It was a pool. I knew there was a pool, but I never bothered to look for it.

“Isn't it too cold to swim?” I asked.

He shrugged. “Probably. But I'm a rebel.” 

I was going to ask how we were going to swim if we didn't have swimsuits but that question was answered when he started stripping down. He stopped when he was in his boxers and looked over his shoulder back at me. He smiled and I could've sworn he winked before he ran into the water. 

“You coming?” he called. I broke into a smile and quickly stripped down to my own boxers and ran in after him, laughing the whole way. 

When I got into water, it was a shock. The water was freezing. I breathed sharply though my teeth, gripping my forearms. I stayed still to let my body adjust to the temperature. I was brought out of the when I felt the splashing of water at my face.

I stared at him in mock horror. “You asshole!” I laughed and splashed water back at him. 

We splashed around for a while. It was like we were children and honestly, it was a lot of fun. The rush of happiness I felt was amazing. He laughed, we played, and I long forgot about how cold the water was. When we were tired out, he sat on the ledge with our legs in the water. I was staring up at the sky. It was getting pretty cloudy right now.

“What are you staring at?” Jack asked.

I looked back at him. “Nothing, I just kind of love space.” I shrugged.

He smiled. “Really huh?” 

“Kind of obsessed.” I shrugged.

He softly laughed and I smiled. I then felt what felt like a raindrop on my head. I looked up to feel a few more on my face.

Jack seemed to notice to and looked up at the sky too. A moment later more raindrops came down as it slowly started to pour. 

“Shit!” Jack laughed and stood up and I followed. We grabbed our clothes and ran to the shelters. When we were undercover we quickly got dressed while laughing. When I was fully dressed I looked at Jack who was tying the drawstring to his sweatpants. I could see droplets of water in his hair that was clinging to his face. He was... gorgeous. When he looked up he caught me looking at him and for once, I didn't look away or blush. He didn't say anything, just looked right back in my eyes. That dream was still fresh in my mind. 

I stepped forward and bit my lip. A small smile went on his lips and I placed my hands on his shoulders. He returned it, placing his hands on my hips. I brought my face towards his. I felt his warm breath on my face. I was so close to kissing him, and when I felt our lips just barely brush it reality hit me.

I roughly pushed him away from me stepped back so fast I almost fell over, heavily breathing.

I almost kissed him.

“C'mon, we better get back to our door.” I said quickly.

He looked at me for a moment. He didn't look confused. He looked... annoyed. Maybe even a little angry. “Are you fucking serious, Alex?” he glares. And not a playful glare. A real one.

I swallowed the lump in my throat, looking down at my feet.

“Really? Are you fucking serious?” he continues. “You can't brush this off this time. All those other times, I let you brush off. Even at the fucking counter protest when it looked like you were about to kiss me I brushed off. But this time? No. I, and neither are you, are brushing this off.”

I looked back up at him. He looked down right pissed. “There's... stuff. A lot of stuff.” I said.

He shook his head. “Alex, I can guess you have homophobic parents.”

“You have no idea.” I muttered.

“But, you can't keep doing stuff like this.” he continued. “Because I really like you. A lot, actually.” he bit his lip. “So if you want to kiss me, then do it. Right now.” 

I looked at him. I bit my lip. If I kissed him then I'd be finally giving in. This wasn't like having alcohol. If I kissed him, then everything I'd been trying to avoid would've been for nothing. 

But then again, if not now, then it'll happen another time.

So I stepped forward, closing the gap between us, and I kissed him. 

And it felt amazing. 

He relaxed against my lips and wrapped his arms around my waist. My hands went to hold his face in my hands. 

This felt like a relief. As if my body was desperate for this. And it was.

I'm gay. I'm gay. I am so gay.

When we pulled away, I said it out loud. “I'm gay.” I said, barely above a whisper. 

I felt him stroke my cheekbone with his thumb. “Kind of figured that.” He gently kissed my forehead. “I'm tired. Let's go to bed.”

I nodded and we walked back to our dorm, Jack keeping his arm comfortably around my waist the whole time. 

When we got back to our dorm we stumbled to his bed after changing into dry boxers, and he held my close to him, wrapping his arms around my hips while I comfortably rested my head on his chest.

“Hey, Jack?” I mumbled in his chest.

“Hm?” he mumbled

“Are we boyfriends?” I asked, looking up at him.

He looked down at me and smiled. “If you wanna.”

I smiled. “Awesome.” and I nuzzled into his chest, drifting off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My [Tumblr](http://caraphatash.tumblr.com/)


	7. Chapter 7

I woke up that morning, my head still rested comfortably on Jack's chest. His arms were still loosely wrapped around my waist, his face buried into my hair. I could hear him breathing softly, still sound asleep.

This felt... right. I didn't want to leave his hold. I'd never felt so content. 

I'd pushed all negative thoughts away. Maybe it'd still be a while before I'd be one hundred per cent comfortable with this relationship and going more physical, but right now, I can't find a reason to care.

I felt one of Jack's hands move to play with my hair and his lips softly kiss the top of my head. I smiled and nuzzled my face into his chest. “Morning.” I mumbled.

“Good morning.” he said and yawned. “How'd you sleep?” he asked.

“Pretty good.” I said. I shuffled around so my head was next to his. He smiled and rolled so he was on top of me. 

“Hello.” he said.

“H-hi.” I said, feeling myself blush. We were only wearing out boxers so I felt really exposed. I was too tired to think about it last night but now it was all I could think about.

He chuckled. “You're cute.” he said. 

If it was possible, I blushed even more. “Th- thanks.” I stuttered. “Y-you t-too.”

He grinned at me and kissed my forehead. “I've been wanting to be like this for so long.” he mumbled.

“You have?” I asked, confused.

“Yeah.” he pulled back a bit so he could look at me properly. “You are really cute. Gorgeous actually.”

“You are too, actually.” I said. “Like, I've thought you were really gorgeous since I first met you.”

He bit his lip as he smiled at me, eyes sparkling. “Well, that's good.”

“Can I ask you something?” He nodded. “How long have you known I was gay?”

He shrugged. “Uh, if I'm being one hundred per cent honest, I pretty much knew since I met you through my gaydar. But you kept denying it, and insisting you liked girls – despite obviously not liking girls – so I just figured you hadn't come out yet and were really insecure about your sexuality. Plus, you kept sending me mixed messages. Like when you came back from your date with Tay and we more or less cuddled. And you were weird about it. Actually, how are you doing, with your sexuality and all?”

I bit my lip, distracting myself by playing with his hair. “There is stuff. I don't really want to talk about it right now. I'm not sure when... but I do like you a lot. I tried to not but that plan obviously failed.”

“So would you rather people not know about us?” he asked. “Like, you don't have to come out if you don't want to.”

My heart fluttered at his sincerity. He cared so much about me. How could he care so much when he doesn't know that much about me.

“I think I'd be a lot more comfortable being out here. Like, no one seems to care about gay couples here.”

“True.” Jack nodded.

“So here, I'm pretty sure I'll be fine. Telling my family is out of the question though.” 

“I'm sure they won't be that bad. They are your family and all.” he said, trailing his finger along my hipbone.

“Trust me, they'll react horribly.” I said.

“But why can wait until later?” he asked.

“Yeah.” I confirmed. “Can we just make out now?” I asked.

He chuckled. “You sure know my weaknesses, huh William?”

I was able to push away the guilt of lying to him until that point. It was that one detail, but it still made me feel guilty. My family was the one lie between us. I could call it what I wanted, but it was still a lie.

I stopped thinking about that when he closed the gap between us, kissing me gently. I let myself relax, kissing him back. He rested one hand on my face and the other was on my hip, his index finger drawing small circles while my arms were wrapped around his neck.

We made out for a while, keeping that same position. I didn't know I could feel so good. The simple act made my heart race and gave me butterflies. So many butterflies. 

We were brought out of the moment by the sound of Jack's stomach rumbling. He pulled away, looked down at his stomach, then back at me. We then burst out into laughter.

“We should go get something to eat.” he said. I nodded, smiling.

When I got off his bed I checked to time to see it was noon. I wasn't sure if we slept for a really long time or we just kissed for a really long time. Maybe both.

When we were both dressed, Jack took my hand with a “c'mon babe” and left for the dining hall.

This was the time we usually met Lynn, Michael, and Luke for lunch, so they'd be waiting for us. With our plates of food we went to our usual table, Lynn, Michael, and Luke already there. Lynn was the first to see us, no doubt immediately noting the fact we were holding hands. She grinned and said something to Luke and Michael, whose backs were to us. They turned to us and a grin spread across both their faces.

“Jesus Christ, finally guys.” Michael said when we sat down. 

I gave him a confused look. “What do you mean by 'finally'?” I asked but smiled when Jack draped his arm around my shoulders.

“We're not blind.” Luke said in a sing song voice. “You two have obviously had a thing for each other since, like the first week. So we've kind of been waiting for you guys to get your heads out of your asses and get together.”

“But I said I was straight.” I interjected. 

“Didn't fool us. Mine and Luke's gaydars went off when we met you.” Michael said.

“I must've missed that gene.” I muttered, hearing Jack laugh softly. Well, I guess pretending to be straight was pointless. 

I felt Jack kiss my cheek. “Ignore them. They think they're funny.”

I grinned and rested my head on his shoulder. “Kay.” 

“Great, now I have to deal with two gross couples.” Lynn muttered.

“Is that your way of saying you're happy for us?” Jack asked, laughing.

She nodded. “Yep. Just please keep your tongues to yourself.” She said before taking a sip of her drink.

“We are happy for you though.” Luke said. 

“Yep. Even though we all saw it coming.” Michael added, smiling. 

…

Jack had convinced me to go to a Halloween party with him. I hadn't been to a party since earlier this year so Jack wanted me to go out more. I hadn't made any friends outside of him, Michael, Luke, Lynn, and RJ. I told RJ about kissing Jack and finally admitting I was gay out loud. He said he was proud of me, and was happy I was more comfortable with my sexuality. And that I was dating Jack. 

Jack and I met up with Michael and Luke at the party. They were dressed as two of the Ninja Turtles. Jack was dressed as Robin and had convinced me to dress as Batman, so we could be Batman and Robin together. 

Michael eyed us as we walked up to them at the party. “You are inviting way too many jokes.” he said. 

“Don't.” Jack said in a warning tone and it clicked. I began laughing. An actual laugh that had me bending over and my hands on my knees. At some point, I ended up leaning on Jack for support, and he had his arm around me to keep me up.

“Nice job, you broke Alex.” Joked Luke, shaking his head.

“So I guess I'm right, huh.” Michael smirked when I calmed down.

Jack rolled his eyes. “We haven't even had sex yet, so stop being so smug.” 

He held his hands up in defence. “I was just making a joke.” he said. “And your boyfriend found it funny.” he muttered. 

“Anyway, want to play beer pong?” Luke asked. “It can be two on two if Alex wants to play.” 

“I'll play.” I said. “I don't really know the rules though.”

“I'll explain, babe.” Jack said. I followed Michael and Luke to a table and as they set up, Jack quickly explained the rules to me. The game sounded simple enough. Jack said it was only light beer, so I didn't have to worry about getting too drunk.

We played for a while, a small crowd of people came to watch. I recognised some people that weren't wearing masks. I saw two guys that were cheering on Michael and Luke that were also wearing Ninja Turtles costumes. Jack filled me in that they were their friends, which I replied with a 'no shit.' He gave me a playful shove in return. 

I definitely lost coordination after a few cups. Jack teased me and called me a light weight. Which admittedly was true.

The ball lands in the last cup on mine and Jack's side. Jack shrugged and drank it while Michael and Luke high fived.

I pouted to Jack. “We lost?” I asked.

He looked at me for a moment, and chuckled. “Are you drunk?” he asked.

I hiccuped. “I think.”

He shook his head. “Like I said, light weight.” he teased.

I poked my tongue out at him. “You're mean.” I slurred. 

“I am.” he said. “Now c'mon, let's go sit down.” He took my hand and walked me over to a couch. “Don't go falling over.”

I gave him a glare, which was probably as intimidating as a kitten. “I'm not that drunk. Just a little tipsy.” I defended. 

“Sure, Lex. Of course you are.” he said, pulling me onto his lap. He wrapped his arms around my hips and I buried my face into his neck.

“What are you doing?” he asked playfully. Even though I wasn't looking at him I knew he was smiling. 

“This is comfy.” I said into his neck. I pulled my head up played with his mask. He was smiling at me really big.

“How are you still adorable while you're wearing a Batman costume?” he asked and I shrugged, kissing the corner of his mouth. 

“You're a cute Robin.” I said, bumping my nose as his.

We stayed there cuddled for a while, some people came over occasionally to say hi to Jack. I didn't exchange more than a few words with them. We had a few more drinks, and Jack was a lot better at holding down alcohol than I was. By the time the party ended we were stumbling back to our dorm singing the Batman theme at the top of our lungs.

“NA NA NA NA NA NA NA BATMAN!” We sang as we stumbled through campus. At one point Jack had tried piggy backing me but the padding in our costumes made it difficult so we had to settle on holding hands and running like madmen. 

“Stop!” I squealed as Jack pulled me by my hand causing me to stumble. Jack didn't listen, he just sang the bat man theme and continued to pull me behind him.

“C'mon, slow poke.” he said, laughing. 

When we finally made it back to our dorm, we collapsed on his bed and fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter I'm not really feeling. Oh well. 
> 
> My [Tumblr](http://caraphatash.tumblr.com)


	8. Chapter 8

It was Thanksgiving break so I was going home. I hadn't spoken to my family since I got to college. A part of me was kind of scared to see them. What if they see right through me and can guess I'd been dating a guy? 

Jack had been the perfect boyfriend. Not that I knew anything about that, but he seemed to be doing good. He took me on a date recently. It was a hilltop picnic under the stars with cheesecake. He insisted on feeding it to me which I'd admit, it was cheesy but so sweet at the same time. 

I was packing up the last of my things until I felt my a pair of familiar arms wrap themselves around me and lips press against the back of my head.

“I'm gonna miss you.” Jack mumbled.

“It'll only be a week.” I laughed. I turned around so I was facing him, placing my hands on his shoulders. 

He fake pouted. “You're not gonna miss me?”

Truth was, I wasn't sure. I do like Jack a lot, but there was this part of me not taking this too seriously. He's my roommate so we'd hopefully last until the end of the year, but I knew my family would want nothing to do with me for just thinking about guys the way I do. 

I probably won't miss Jack that much. At least I didn't think I will. Either way, I kissed his nose. “I'll miss you too.” I said. 

He smiled. “We can talk when we're not being bothered by family.” he said.

Instead of nodding, I pulled him towards me and kissed him. His confusion lasted a couple of seconds before he kissed back. It was just a short, sweet kiss but somehow whenever I kissed him, I felt lightheaded and my stomach would erupt with butterflies. 

When we pulled away he smiled at me. “Uh, thanks for that.” he said.

“I'll text you if I can.” I said. “But I'll probably be too busy with family.”

He bumped my nose with his own. “Well don't forget about me.” 

…

My mom squeezed me really tight when she saw me. “I missed you.” she said.

I hugged her back. “Miss you too, mom.” 

On the drive back, she asked me how college was going and if I'd made any friends. I answered with simple 'yes's'. 

“So after dinner we're going to picket tonight.” My mom said.

I immediately felt sick to my stomach. I'd never really liked picketing, but after everything that had happened in the past few months, the mere thought of it made me sick. Maybe I can pretend I'm sick and talk to Jack while they're out.

“Tonight? I don't know, I feel kind of sick. Probably not a good idea to be out in the cold.” I said.

“Oh, are you sure?” She asked, giving me a concerned look. 

“I probably just need some sleep. I'll be fine.” I said.

“Okay, if you're sure.”

“I'm sure.”

…

“So how's home?” I asked Jack, my head resting on my pillow with my phone on speaker next to me. 

“Good. My mom has been smothering me and my siblings.” he said. “You?”

“Fine. I'm not that close to my family.” I said.

“Well, my mom kept asking if I had a boyfriend yet, and I said 'yeah.' Now my family is demanding to meet you.”

I let out a small laugh. “Good to know they already like me.” I said.

“Yeah, they essentially interrogated me for information about you.” He said and I could picture him rolling his eyes.

“What'd you say?” I asked.

“That you're really sweet and cute, and that me hadn't been together for that long, so it'll probably be a while until you meet them. Maybe you can come home with me this summer.”

“And tell my family what?” I asked.

“The truth?” He suggested.

“I told you, they can never know.” I said.

“You can't keep me a secret forever, Lex.” he said in a more serious tone.

I sighed. “Jack, I seriously can't tell them. They're will be really bad consequences if I did.”

I heard him sigh. “Whatever.” he muttered. “Are you even taking this relationship seriously?” he asked.

I felt a lump in my throat form. “What do you mean?” I asked.

“I mean are you just using me to have fun with your sexuality because you have shit bag parents?” 

The pissed me off a little. Why would he think I'm just having fun with my sexuality? Sure, I wasn't taking our relationship as seriously as he was, but he seems like he was doubting I actually liked him.

“That's kind of a shitty thing to say.” I argued. “How do I know you aren't taking advantage of me?” I didn't mean it, but I was annoyed with what he said. 

“...Seriously?” He asked, and I could hear his angry tone. “Jesus fuck Alex, if I recall correctly you are the one that tried to kiss me multiple times. You are the one who brought up being boyfriends. And sometimes I just feel you  aren't taking us seriously. I like you so much, and I do want us to be seriously.”

“How is more not coming out to my parents 'not taking us seriously?” I argued.

“Because you don't have the guts to tell you parents about me. I loved telling my parents about you, because I haven't been this genuinely happy in a really long time.”

“Jack, if you knew the situation you would understand.” I said.

“Then what is the situation?” he asked.

I wanted to tell him, but there was still a part of me that couldn't. I could handle loosing him. I'd probably just forget about him anyway if he broke up with me. He was just one guy. 

“It's bad, that's it.” I replied.

He groaned. “Would your dad hit you? Would you get kicked out?” he asked.

“Probably.” I said softly. The mere thought of that terrified me. “Most likely, actually.”

“You should've told me that.” he said. “You just went on that they'd react badly. But that's awful. Are you completely sure they'd do that? I mean, they're your family.”

“Yes. They'd kick me out and will never speak to me again.” I said.

We were silent for a few moments, Jack no doubt trying to find the right words to say. 

“You know,” Jack started. “Whenever I think about parents being so against their child being gay, I think, 'would they rather their kid be happy with someone they love or miserable with someone they can never love.' You get what I mean?” he asked.

“I guess.” I mumbled.

“Well, it sucks your family's homophobic, but your own happiness is the most important thing. And I will do whatever it takes to make you happy.” he said.

I smiled. “That's really sweet of you.” I said. “I'll try to take this seriously.”

“So you really aren't taking us seriously?” he asked and I could hear the hurt in his voice. 

“It's hard to let myself since you're a guy.” I said, deciding to be at least a little honest with him. “I do like you quite a lot though, so at least you have that going for ya.”

“I do, don't I.” he said. “But you remember how I said I had trouble finding a boyfriend because I couldn't find a guy that was attractive, gay, single, willing to date me, and I didn't want to drive a knife through.” 

“Kinda.” I replied. 

“Well, you fit all those requirements.” he said. “And it really was a lot of trouble. So I'm really not taking us lightly.”

“I'll try taking us more seriously.” I said.

“Mhm.” he mumbled. “It's getting late.” he said.

I glanced at the time. It was three am. “Whoops.” I said.

“Yeah, we better get to bed.” he said. “Night, Lexi.” he said.

“Night, Jay.” I replied and hung up.

…

Thanksgiving came around. Thanksgiving dinner was never bad since my family did get along.

“So, Alexander.” began by Grandfather. “How's college going?” he asked.

“Good. Been studying a lot.” I said. It was half a lie. I studied as much as I needed but I spent most of my free time with Jack. But they didn't need to know that.

“Any fags?” he asked, and yeah, that hurt. Although, I did almost laugh at how the only people I made friends with were gay.

“None that I associate with.” I lied, but I was a good liar. Spent years lying about my sexuality to get good at it.

“Disgusting though.” my dad said. “They think they can be so Godless just because they're not home. Disgraceful. Imagine what their parents think?”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. Yeah, they'd definitely hate me if they found out about Jack. 

God I miss Jack.

I'd spoken to him last night but I just miss him. Weirdly, a lot more than I thought I would. I thought I'd just kind of miss having someone to cuddle with but I miss his ever-present smile, and his positive attitude, and his cute mannerisms, and just everything about him. Sure, I got the jokes and his stories through the phone but that's nothing like having his presence in general. I just really wanted to be with him right now.

And that surprised me. How much I missed him. I actually tuned out of the conversation to think about him. Thinking about how I'd rather be with him.

After dinner the girls cleared up the table and I went upstairs to my room, locking the door behind me. I sat on my bed and dialled Jack's number. 

“Why're calling me?” he asked when he picked up after five rings. “It's Thanksgiving.”

“Oh, my family finished up. And I kinda miss you.” I said.

He let out a soft chuckle. “'Kinda'?”

“Okay, a lot.” I admitted. 

“You do?” he asked, but I could hear the playfulness in his tone.

“Yeah, I miss your dumb, adorable face. And cuddling.” I said playfully.

“Well, I'd love to talk but I'm with a lot of my family, who need to stop being so nosy.” he said the last part louder and I smiled.

“Sorry, my family thinks my business is there's.” he said. 

“It's fine.” I said, laughing.

“Is that Alex!” I heard muffled woman's voice ask excitedly.

“Mind your own business, May!” he snapped.

“No swearing?” I asked.

“Little kids are here.” he explained. 

“Ah.” I said in understanding. 

“Yeah, but I do really have to go. I'll call you later, kay?”

“Kay.” I said and he hung up.

…

I grinned when Jack's caller ID showed up on my phone a few hours later. 

“Sorry about that, my family is hectic.” 

“It's alright.” I said. 

“Yeah, well, fuck off Joe. Sorry, annoying siblings.” he said.

“You sure sound loving.” I joked.

“This is our way of showing we love each other. Them pestering me about my love life and me throwing shit at them.” 

I laughed. “Hopefully I'll get to meet them soon.” I said, and I genuinely meant that. I wanted to meet his family quite a lot. A loving, accepting family actually sounded really inviting. 

“Anyway, as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted; I miss you a lot. I didn't say it before, but yeah I miss you a lot.” 

I grinned. “Well good, now I know I'm missable.”

“Very missable. I miss your dumb, adorable face and your cuddles.”

“I said the same thing before! You can't repeat what I said.” I argued playfully.

“Aw, but I do miss your dumb, adorable face and your cuddles.” he whined.

“Good thing I'm a cuddler than, huh?” I said.

“Yep, you give the best cuddles. You're like a human heater.” 

“Aw, then I can't wait until we can cuddle again.” I said. 

“Me either.” I said.

We spent the rest of the night exchanging stories. He told me about pervious Thanksgivings with his family, like the time he was four and broke his aunts expensive vase and cried because he was scared of getting in trouble. I didn't have any interesting stories to share, so I let him burn through his stories.

“So, before we go to bed, what's the likelihood of you spending next years Thanksgiving with the crazy Barakats?” he asked.

I bit my lip. “Really not sure, we'll see.”

“I'm not hearing a 'no'.” I could picture him grinning. “I really want my family to meet you.” 

“Like I said, we'll see.”

“Okay, night.” he said.

“Night.” and he hung up.

Damn I missed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Tumblr](http://caraphatash.tumblr.com/)


	9. Chapter 9

I really did miss Jack. More than I thought I would. A lot more. Talking to him on the phone was nowhere near enough what I needed. The physical stuff is something else I missed.

And yeah, I was seriously thinking about having sex with him. I'd been thinking about it a lot while I was home. I was getting a lot more comfortable with him and my sexuality, but realising how much I missed him made me realise how much I wanted to do it.

I'd spent the short plane ride really thinking about it. I did want to, but I got nervous at the mere thought. 

I'd gotten back to my dorm a couple hours ago. Jack's flight was a little later than mine so I was alone right now. I was lying on my bed, really thinking about sleeping with him.

This was a really big step forward. Kissing for the first time was hard enough but actual sex is completely different. All the walls I had built up around me would almost be completely broken down. And a lot have already been torn down.

I heard the door open and I quickly sat up to see Jack smiling at me.

“Hey, you.” he said closing the door behind him. I stood up, walked over to him, and kissed him. He seemed surprised at first but kissed me back, wrapping his arms around my waist after dropping his bag on the floor. He was probably expecting a more gentle kiss because he seemed surprised by how fast I was kissing him. 

When he pulled away he let out a small chuckle. “Well hello to you too.” he said.

My hands were gripping his shoulders. Yeah, I wanted to do it. “I wanna sleep with you.” I said quickly.

He looked at my for a moment, mouth gapping open in surprise. “Wait, what?” he asked.

“I want to have sex with you.” I repeated. 

He looked at me skeptically. “Lex, are you sure?” He asked. “We haven't even seen each other naked yet.”

“I know.” I said. “But I really want to.” I insisted.

“Like, actual sex? Not just a handjob or a blowjob. Actual sex.” he asked.

I nodded. “Yes.”

“It's your first time though.” he pointed out.

“Yeah.” I said looking down. “Are you saying you don't want to do it?” I asked, suddenly feeling embarrassed. 

“Well... yeah. Honestly, I do. But that shouldn't be why you want to do it; to make me happy. We can just get each other off.” he said. “So I'm asking if you're completely sure?”

“Yes.” I said, looking back at him. “Actual sex. Right here. Right now.” I stated defiantly.

He bit his lip. “Okay, but if you want to stop at anytime, tell me; got it?” 

I nodded and grinned and kissed him again. He kissed back, matching my quick rhythm. He pushed me back onto his bed with our lips still pressed together. When he had me on my back, I tangled my hands in his hair. I whimpered his name when he grinds his hips against mine. I pulled away and let our a shaky breath. His lips moved to my neck, gently biting it and soothing it with his tongue. I could already feel my jeans tightening. 

I felt him tug on the hem of my shirt, lips still on my neck. He pulled away to take off my shirt and tossed it on the ground. He smiled down at me and stroked my cheekbone with his thumb.

“What?” I asked.

“You're just, so fucking gorgeous.” he said. “I'll make you feel good, kay?” 

I grinned and nodded. He kissed my forehead and started making his way down my body. He kissed my shoulder and slowly made his way down my torso, leaving a trail of small bites, no doubt leaving a trail of hickies. 

He reached between my legs and undid the button of my jeans, pulling down my jeans and I kicked them off 

“I see mini Alex is awake.” he said. 

I was about to give a snappy retort but I felt his mouth on my cock through my boxers. “Oh God.” I moaned. 

He softly chuckled and began to tug my boxers off until I was completely naked. 

“No fair,” I pouted. “You haven't taken off anything.” 

He rolled his eyes. “I'm being sweet and focussing on you.” he argued.

“Just take off your shirt.” I said.

“Bossy, aren't we?” But he took his shirt off anyway. He wrapped his hand around my cock, using the pre-cum to slide his hand easier. 

“Oh, wow.” I softly moaned. “Jack.” I breathed as he pressed his thumb to the tip. 

This felt a lot better than I imagined it would. And it was just a handjob. 

I felt his lips wrap around the head. “Fuck!” I moaned, louder than I intended as I unintentionally rocked my hips forward. I felt Jack gag but he didn't pull away. I guess he had done this before. He pumped the lower half while sucking the top half and yeah, it felt pretty amazing. He let go and sank his mouth further onto me, his nose pressing against the base. 

“Jesus Chirst!” I moaned. “How are you even doing that?” I asked while he swallowed around me.

He pulled off of me and looked up at me. “Talent.” and his kissed the spot above my dick. “My only one really.” 

“Sucking dick can't possibly be your only one.” I said.

“I can take dicks really well too.” he replied, smirking at me and I blushed.

“I don't even know what to say to that.” I replied.

He smirked and came up to my face. “All you really need to say is my name.” he kissed me. I knew he was trying to dirty talk but I could tell at the same time he was trying to make me more comfortable.

“Well take off your fucking pants.” I said.

“You're pretty bossy in bed.” he said.

“Yeah, well, fuck you.” I muttered.

His smile didn't falter. “Can't wait.” And unbuttoned his pants.

“Uh, when did we decide I'd be on top?” I asked.

“I'm a bottom, and it's your first time. So I doubt you'd really like a dick up your ass.”

“I guess. But then why are you above me right now?” I asked.

“Because I'm trying to be a loving boyfriend and make this as enjoyable as possible for you.” he said. “Damn, if you're this bossy in bed then you're definitely a top.”

I sat up. “Get on your back then. And take off your boxers.” I smiled.

He grinned and hopped off his bed but before he took off his boxers, he went to his bedside table and opened the draw, taking out a bottle and a small bit off plastic; a bottle of lube and a condom. 

“Why do you have those?” I asked, sitting up on my knees.

“Like I've said before, Michael and Luke think they're comedians.” he shrugged, tossing them in front of me. I decided not question him any further. I looked down at his crotch. He was still wearing his boxers and while I'd seen his in his boxers before, I'd never seen him with a boner and with the tent he was forming he definitely had one. 

“Already like what you see, huh?” He said and I looked back at this face, not surprised to see him smirking.

“Just take them off.” I said.

He smiled and I watched him tug them off. My eyes widened at the sight. I'd never seen another guy's dick, and wow. I was practically drooling a little at the sight.

I heard him laugh softly as he moved back to the bed. He sat in front of me, positioning himself so I was between his legs. 

“So what do I do now?” I asked.

“You have to prep me.” he said.

I stared at him blankly. 

“Finger me. With the lube.” 

My mouth formed into an 'o' shape. “Okay.” I said. 

“You really have no clue, do you?” he asked.

I shook my head. “Nope.”

He picked up the lube and condom. He set the condom on the bedside table. “Hand, please.” he said as he opened the bottle of lube.

I held out my hand and he wrapped his hand around my wrist. He squirted the lube onto three of my fingers. 

“So I just... stick them inside of you?” I asked.

He nodded. “Yeah, one by one.” he explained.

“Won't that hurt?” God, I was failing at being sexy. But Jack seemed pretty patient. 

“If it was my first time, yeah. But I've done this plenty of times before so it won't be as bad. And it'll get easier the more be do this. I'll give you the okay when I'm ready, okay?”

I nodded and positioned myself between his legs. I reached down and found the hole, pushing in. I looked at Jack face and he looked slightly uncomfortable. “You okay?” 

“I'm fine. Used to it.” he assured. “You can touch me, y'know.” he said. I reached my freehand to cup his cheek and stroked his cheekbone with my thumb. “Not that that isn't adorable, but I meant my dick.”

I blushed. “Right.” I moved my hand and reached down, tacking hold of his dick. He let out a small exhale and smiled. 

“Good.” he mumbled. “Add another finger.”

I did, pushing my middle finger beside my index and I scissored them. Jack had gone from looking slightly uncomfortable to a grin on his face as small moans escaped his lips. I wasn't sure if it was me stroking him or the fingers but I didn't bother asking.

“Put your fingers deeper.” he said and I did. I brushed up against something and Jack's hips bucked forward and covered his mouth to muffle his moans. 

“What did I do?” I asked.

“Just make sure to hit there and hit there hard.” he replied, muffled by his hand.

“'Nother finger?” I asked and he nodded quickly. I added the third finger and he moaned again. I tried finding the spot, but I gave up and focused on stroking him instead. 

“Okay, I'm ready.” he said. I nodded, took out my fingers. “Do you know how to put a condom on properly?” he asked.

“Uh, no.” I said, shaking my head rather sheepishly.

“It's okay.” he assured. “Sit up.” he said.

I did and so did he. He reached over to the bed side table and picked up the condom. He opened the wrapper and I let out a small sigh of pleasure when he took hold of my dick. He slipped on the condom and picked up the lube. He squired it onto his hand and coated me with it. 

“Okay, you're ready.” Jack said and went to lay down, his knees spread and his feet flat.

I crawled up to him and leaned down to kiss him. I positioned myself at his entrance and finally pushed into him.

And it felt better than I could have ever imagined. 

He was warm and tight. The sounds of pleasure he made under me turned me on even more. He placed his hands on my hips and urged me to move. I rocked my hips and threw my head back, moaning. 

“Alex, fuck, Alex!” he moaned and bit his lip.

I panted as I moved my hips at a steady pace. I moved my lips to his neck and sucked on his neck. Jack was softly moaning but I wanted him to feel like he did when I brushed against spot. I changed the angle of my thrusts and after a few tries, Jack bucked his hips. “ALEX!” He screamed, our neighbours no doubt hearing us, but he didn't seem to care and neither did I. “Just hit there. Really. Hard.” he said and I did, moving my head up and placing my hands on either side of his head and started to thrust in the same angle and hard. 

“Fuck! Oh my God!” Jack moaned. The sounds he was making were turning me on even more and encouraged me to go faster. 

“Fuck.” I moaned, resting my forehead on his. “This feels so good.” I mumbled.

“Mhm.” he moaned. I looked down and saw that he was touching himself.

“That's hot.” I said.

“Would be hotter if you were touching me.” he said back with a smirk.

I reached down and he moved his hand away to stroke him. He wrapped his arms around my neck and pulled my head down and kissed me. He tongue found its way into my mouth and his tongue met mine. I moaned into his mouth, moving my tongue against his. 

Pretty soon I felt myself reach my peak with a scream of his name, Jack following in suit, shooting all over out chests. When I caught my breath, I pulled out of him and collapsed beside him. 

“So, how was the sex for you?” Jack asked after a few minutes.

I grinned and kissed his cheek. “So fucking good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Tumblr](http://caraphatash.tumblr.com/)


	10. Chapter 10

The past month went by fast. Nothing too different happened. My nineteenth birthday did come by, but I didn't want some party or anything since I didn't like having attention drawn onto me; so instead in mine and Jack's dorm Lynn, Michael, and Luke came up for a few drinks. That was fun and I decided that's how I liked it. It was fun being able to be so comfortable around a few people and just talk about nonsensical topics. And to be cuddling with Jack. I liked that part a lot.

My feelings for him got stronger by the day. He brought me so much happiness. I don't know why people could be against same sex relationships. He made me so happy; ecstatic even. His simple presence made me smile and warm inside. Any sort of touches, no matter how simple like just holding hands, intensified those feelings.

And they could quite possibly be love. That simple thought would bring me down from my high. While I did promise him I'd be taking the relationship more seriously, I still knew my parents could never know about him. Loving him would make it a lot harder to break it off. Simply being away from him for a few days was horrible so I had no clue how I'd – or him – would handle a break up. But I told myself that he, and I, would get over it.

But there was no use lying to myself. It was hopeless ever since I first laid my eyes on him. Everything that has followed were practically inevitable. Especially when you consider the fact I was so sexually repressed. And even emotionally. My family was too busy with the picketing and focussing on what God would want that I practically felt unloved. It wasn't just the fact I wasn't close to them, which is all Jack really understands. And he seemed to be really close with his family. A family that still loved him when he came out as gay. A family that wants to meet me for simply dating him.

Jack kissed my cheek. “I'll miss you.” he mumbled, his nose pressing against my cheek. 

We were both leaving for Christmas break and I was looking forward for it to be over so I could be with Jack again. I had no clue how I was going to survive summer break if I hadn't already broken it off. 

“Me too.” I replied, grinning.

“We'll make sure to talk every night.” he said, pulling away, but keeping his hands on my waist.

“Of course.” I grinned and pecked his lips. 

He grinned at me and his eyes sparkled. He kissed me, a little longer than my peck. “What was that for?” I asked.

“Perfect boyfriend is perfect.” he said and I laughed.

“Why are you talking about yourself in third person?” I smirked playfully.

He grinned and kissed me again. After a few minutes of simply kissing I pulled away. “If we keep that up we'll miss our planes.” I said.

He pouted my let go of my hips. I turned around to pick up my bag only to feel a slap on my ass. “Jack!” I shirked, giggling. 

“What? You have a nice ass.” he stated.

…

Like when I got home for Thanksgiving, my family was going to go out picketing. I faked being sick again, blaming it on the weather. My parents had eyed be suspiciously but let me stay home and I spent those glorious hours alone talking to Jack. Hearing his voice made me infinity happier than I was with my family. 

Christmas eve came fast, and I was trying to get out of a picket at a popular area in our town for New Years.

“I just don't feel good.” I lied.

“Alexander William Gaskarth.” my dad said with his arms crossed. “You've missed out on two pickets because of this 'illness' you claim you have. You look perfectly alright and you're mother took your temperature which was normal.”

“Maybe he's pregnant.” one of my brothers joked.

“Steven!” my dad snapped at my brother which shut him up, opting to look down at his feet. My dad turned back to me. “If you're sick tomorrow, then you don't have to do any of the pickets for the rest of your break. But you better study through it all.”

“But-” I began only to be cut off.

“No buts. You're going tonight and that is final. Now go put your coat on and come down immediately.”

I decided there was no point in arguing and gave up, going upstairs to my room. I unzipped my bag to get my coat and a hoodie. My coat was at the bottom of my bag so I had to move everything else inside of it. Once I got my coat out something that was under it immediately caught my eye. It was a hoodie I hadn't noticed before. I took it out and immediately recognised it as Jack's from the night where we went to the pool and we first kissed. I picked it up and smiled at the thought of him. One of us must've accidentally packed it. I smelled it and smiled, it smelt just like him. I put it on and felt something in the pocket. I took out what turned out to be a piece of paper. I unfolded it and smiled at Jack's messy scrawl.

'Merry Christmas. I miss you already so have this to remember me. PS, you still owe me a Christmas blowjob'

My heart fluttered. How did I get such a sweet boyfriend that still managed to be sweet while requesting a blowjob? Maybe it was my adoration for him but I didn't care.

“ALEXANDER!” I jumped as my dad's voice boomed throughout the house, snapping me out of my momental bliss. 

“Coming!” I called and slipped on my jacket and a pair of gloves, running downstairs.

…

There were different kinds of reactions when people saw us. Some just ignored us, some would throw the finger, some would throw things like soda cans or glass bottles. That was nothing knew and we were good at dodging things that got thrown.

I looked at the counter protesters across the road. They were peaceful and just smiled as they held their signs. There wasn't that many, especially compared to the one I went to. Instead of couples kissing and throwing the finger, the couples just stood closely. One couple was holding a sign that said 'she keeps me warm.' I found that sweet and inwardly smiled.

“Little kids? Really?” I heard a passerby say to the her friend. She looked at us and shook her head in disapproval. 

“You know, I really hope none of those kids turn out gay. I can't imagine how'd they'd feel.” said the woman's friend. 

“If any of my kids decided to be a fag, they'd be out of my life!” one of the parents from the church called.

“They don't choose anything!” the second woman continued, clearly annoyed.

“Here's what would happen, if I found out my child did anything with the same gender, they'd be dead to me.” It was my mom who spoke this time.

I felt my hands shake a little while I held my sign but I knew it wasn't because of the cold. The colour drained from my face and I felt sick. They really would hate me if I told them but I already knew that. 

And that's when it hit me. Why stay with people who won't care about me if I told them about something I had no way of helping. Why do that when one person brought me more love and happiness than I could imagine?

With a grunt I bent the sign I was holding with my knee and threw it to the icy floor.

“What are you doing?” my mom asked, looking at me wide eyed with the others. Even the two women were staring at me confused.

“I can't fucking do this anymore!” I shouted. 

“Don't you swear.” my mom scolded.

“I don't fucking care!” I continued, anger running through my veins. “I'm gay, okay! Really fucking gay! I've known for years! And guess fucking what, I have a boyfriend at college that I've fucked! Multiple times!” I knew I was being vulgar, but I was too angry to really think about the words I was saying or their consequences. The words just kept on coming out. “And he cares about me more than you ever fucking could. I love him. I love him more than I've loved anyone in my life.”

When I finished, I took a few deep breaths in and out. Everyone was looking at me shocked. My mom had the most disappointed look on her face and my dad was furious. I felt a lump form in my throat waiting for someone to talk.

“Go home and pack your things.” My dad said, his voice low and menacing. “I don't want to see your fag face ever again.”

I knew that's what the reaction would be, but that didn't make it hurt any less. I nodded and turned around to leave. When I was a good distance away the two women came up to me. 

“You okay?” one asked.

I shrugged. “I think I might me.” 

“I can't believe they'd react like that to their own son.” the other said.

I sighed. “It's fine, I knew this would happen anyway.”

They both nodded. “There really is nothing wrong with it.” 

I nodded. “Yeah, but if only I had someone to tell my that when I was younger.”

“You need a place to stay?”

I shook my head. “Don't worry. I'm just gonna call my boyfriend. He lives in Baltimore, so I doubt I'll have to drive far since I have my own car.”

They hesitantly nodded and I made my way home.

…

We kept a spare key under a pot plant so I used that to open the front door. The house was empty, cold, and quiet. 

I went upstairs to get everything I needed from my room. I packed everything worth taking, which wasn't much. I had a lot of my stuff in my dorm so I just took some clothes I still liked and that fit, more underwear, and socks along with miscellaneous stuff I didn't want to leave behind. 

I trudged downstairs with the bag I brought and a second bag full of the new stuff I'm bringing. I got my car keys and went into the garage to get my car. It was old and shitty but it ran and will hopefully get me to wherever Jack lived. I sat in the drivers seat and that was the moment I broke down. 

My family hates me

That was the part that hit hard the most but I expected more than anything. It hurt, it cut deep. They're actually turning their back on me for something like this. Something they didn't understand I could help. Something like being in love. 

With shaky hands I took out my phone and went to my contacts. I tapped Jack's contact, which read Jack Barakitty with three emojis; a cat, a red heart, the two guys holding hands. He had changed it when we started dating and I found it too cute to change back. Mine on his was similar, with my name as 'Lexi' and the emojis that followed being the heart eyed emoji and the blowing kiss one. It was small things like that that made my stomach flutter.

I listened to the dial town and he picked up after three rings. “Hey, how's my favourite guy?” he asked with happiness in his voice. I had texted him earlier, telling him I'd call him later than usual due to 'family stuff.' 

“Jack.” I began, my voice breaking.

“What wrong, Lexi?” the worry in his voice was immediately there.

I bit my lip. “I told my,” I chocked on a sob. “I told my parents about you.” tears started to run down my face. “They kicked me out. For good.” I sniffled.

“Oh God, that's horrible.” he said. “Do you have anywhere to go?”

“You're all I have.” I said.

“Do you have a car?” he asked me.

“Mhm. Sitting in it right now.”

“Okay, download a GPS app and I'll text you my address. Text me how long it'll take. I'll let my parents know you're coming.” 

“Won't they mind?” I asked, bitting my lip to stifle another sob. 

“They're pretty lenient. And this is an emergency, so expect my mom to be all over you and making sure you're okay and shit. Especially since tomorrow's Christmas and there's nothing for you.”

“That's fine. A place to stay is enough.” I assured.

“Good luck telling her that.” he said. “Family'll be coming over tomorrow too. So I hope it's not too much of a shock or anything.”

“It's fine Jay.” I said. “They wanted to meet me so they're going to get their wish.”

“Mhm.” he mumbled. “I'll see you soon, kay? Drive safe.”

I nodded, even though he couldn't see me. “Yeah.”

…

I lived about two hours away from Jack. There was little traffic on the drive, the only sounds filling my car was the robotic voice of the GPS app. I was able to calm down during the long drive and focus on the road. 

I knew I had to give him the entire story. My real last name, my family, I'm just going to be honest with him.

'You have arrived at your destination' The GPS said. I looked out the window to see the house Jack had sent me. It was a nice two story house. Not anything special. 

I made sure to grab my bags from the trunk before I stepped inside. I left at nine so it was probably past eleven at this point. I hadn't bothered to check the time. I rang the doorbell and after a few seconds Jack answered it. 

“Hey.” I said.

“Hey.” he said, opening his arms, inviting me into a hug. I stepped right into them and he wrapped his arms tightly around me. I burred my face into the crook of his neck, gripping the fabric of his shirt and trying to not start sobbing again.

“C'mon, let's get you upstairs.” he said and let go, taking one of my bags then my hand. “I was able to convince my family not to bother us until the morning. I wasn't sure if you'd be okay by the time you got here.”

We got to his room and he closed the door. “Are you cold?” he asked. I nodded. “Heater's on, so you can just get changed here. Then we can go under the covers and cuddle. That sound good?”

I nodded and smiled. I quickly stripped down, tossing aside my clothes and went to my bag to get clean clothes. Jack didn't make any remarks like he probably usually would, I guess he assumed I wasn't in the mindset for his jokes and decided it was better not to, despite me being bare naked in his room. I knew he saw his hoodie in the pile of clothes, and there was still no remark about that. 

When I had a clean pair of boxers on and a hoodie, Jack said, “I'll take your clothes to the laundry.” he said and I smiled in thanks. He left the room and while I was alone, I looked around his room. His bed had the back against the wall, a desk with his laptop, and a few others things that would be typical in a twenty year olds room.

What caught my eye was a picture frame. I walked up to it and picked up off the dresser it was sitting on. It was a picture of him standing between a man and woman he looked really similar to. I guessed they were his siblings. He was wearing a graduation cap and gown, with his arms slung over the man and woman's shoulders, grinning at the camera.

“That's my bother and sister, May and Joe.” I jumped and looked back at Jack. “Sorry, didn't mean to scare you.”

I shook off the feeling. “Uh, it's okay.” I set the picture back down. “You guys close?” I asked.

He nodded. “Yeah, we'd always been close.” I thought back to me and my siblings. Including Steven, I had four. All of them were brothers and we were far from close. They'd always been involved in the church when they were teenagers. Unlike them, I spent a lot of those years sick to my stomach over my sexuality instead. I was the youngest. And officially the disappointment. 

“C'mon.” Jack said taking my hand and walking us to his bed. He set me onto his bed and I rested my head on the pillow. He went over to switch off the light and joined me under the sheets. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me to him. I decided this was the perfect time to tell him the truth.

“Jack.” 

“Mhm.”

“I kind of need to tell you something.” I said.

It was dark so I couldn't see his expression. “What is it?”

“Well... uh my last name isn't William.” I admitted.

“Why would you lie about that?” he asked sounding genuinely confused. 

“It's Gaskarth. Alexander William Gaskarth.” I braved myself for the reaction.

“...I know that last name.” he said.

“Rae Christian Church.” I stated.

“Yeah...” 

“That's my family.” I sighed. “And they kicked me out. Because I told them about you.”

“Why didn't you tell me?” he asked, sounding saddened by the fact I hadn't told him.

“Because I was scared you'd hate me.” I said.

He sighed. “Well, you should've at leat told me when I was asking why it was so hard to tell your parents. I would've completely understood.”

“I'm sorry.” I mumbled.

“S'okay.” he mumbled, running his fingers through my hair. “Now get some sleep. You'll want to have energy tomorrow.” he kissed my forehead.

“One last thing.” I said.

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

I felt him peck my lips, no doubt smiling before he did. “I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Tumblr](http://caraphatash.tumblr.com/)


	11. Chapter 11

If I had the choice to wake up the rest of my life next to Jack Barakat, I wouldn't have to think twice about it. 

Sure, it's not the first time we'd slept in the same bed. We'd done it since we'd started dating. But there was something different about it after I woke up from a night of him comforting me. I felt protected and safe. And that's what I needed more than anything after everything that happened yesterday.

I still wasn't completely over being kicked out. My dad was so harsh about it. He didn't even have to think twice about it. My mom and brothers didn't even say anything. My brothers had looked shocked and disgusted but the disappointment that was on my mom's face is what probably killed me most.

They all hated me though. Being told to leave and being called a fag was probably all I would have been able to handle. If anyone else yelled at me in disgust I probably would've broken down sooner than I had. 

I think I could handle not being with them. Yeah, it hurt that my own family so quickly outcasted me but if being with someone that caused me so much more happiness than they ever could, it was probably worth it. And if not Jack, then some other guy in the future. It's not like my family would accept me back into their lives anyway. And if there was a chance, it was slim. 

Jack's arms were around my waist and our legs were intertwined. I felt Jack hand lightly rub my back and my eyes drift open to see him smiling at me. “Stop staring at me, freak.” I mumbled and yawned. 

“How can I not stare when you're so pretty?” he teased and kissed my nose. “How're you feeling?”

“A lot better.” I said. “Thanks for letting me stay.”

“I wasn't going to leave you alone.” I mumbled. “I can't believe how horrible your family is.”

I sighed. “It's fine.” I said. “They didn't give a shit about me anyway. I told them I loved you, y'know.”

“And they still kicked you out?” He asked, clearly surprised. “Like, for being in love?”

“Admittedly I was kind of vulgar, but still... it's not wrong if it feels so good, right?”

“In all fairness, I think you're way past the point where you can question this morally.” he joked and I slapped his chest playfully. “There's nothing wrong with it.” He assured. “It's love. Love isn't wrong.” he kissed my cheek. “And I love you so very much.”

I grinned. “Love you too.” I breathed. 

“We better get up. My mom always makes a big breakfast before everyone else comes over for lunch.”

I nodded and sat up, stretching my arms over my head. Jack offered to fill his family in on what happened while I took a shower, which I agreed to. I didn't really want to explain something like this to people I'd just met. 

When I was in the shower I was thankful to have the hot water on my skin. It weird how relieving a hot shower can be after such a bad night. I washed my hair with the shampoo and conditioner I brought and Jack told me I could use his Axe body wash. I was thankful to feel a lot cleaner after it, especially after I had spent a lot of time in the cold.

I waited for Jack in his room while he showered, sitting on his bed while playing a game on my phone, in a pair of skinny jeans and crewneck. I didn't feel like wearing too much layer since the heater was on. 

The door opened and I glanced up to see Jack with damp hair. 

“Ready to meet the family?” he asked. “Made them promise not to smother you.” he added

“Guess so.” I shrugged standing up and sliding my phone into my pocket. He held out his hand for me to take and I took it with a smile. 

He lead me downstairs and I could hear muffled voices. I felt my heart race. Why was I so nervous, they were already excited to meet me. According to Jack they already loved me for simply being with him. 

I felt Jack squeeze my hand. “It'll be fine.” he whispered.

We turned around the corner and I was met with with the smell of pancakes. I saw a table full of people, two of which I recognised from the picture in his room. Along with them were an older man and woman who were probably his parents, a woman sitting next to his brother and a man next to his sister, as well as a little girl that looked about four.

“Mornin'.” Jack said in a singsong voice, pulling me over to two empty seats. He introduced me to everyone. The man with May was her husband and the girl was Jack's niece Hannah, and the woman with Joe was his fiancee. They were all really nice and didn't bring up what happened, which I was thankful for. I thanked his mom for the pancakes she served me.

“Why aren't you putting anything on them?” May asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Because he's a freak and like to eat them dry.” Jack said.

“They're better dry!” I argued. 

“See, freak.” he stated but smiled non the less. 

“Whatever, you almost always have breakfast foods at dinner. So if anyone's the freak, it's you.” I retorted with a smirk. 

“He still does that?” May asked. “I guess that's what happens when you live away from home, Jacky.”

“Don't call me that!” he whined, fake pouting.

“No, you're the baby of the family and as long as we're both breathing, I'm calling you that.” 

I let out a snort, covering my mouth with my hand. 

“I like you already.” May commented, smiling at me. 

“You're meant to be on my side.” Jack argued. 

I shrugged, grinning. “Oh well, maybe I just like May more.” 

“Yeah, sure. Now eat your dry pancakes, ya freak.”

“Says the one that drowned it in maple syrup.” I smirked and continued to eat. Jack didn't retort, just continued to eat.

…

More of Jack's family started showing up around noon. They were all really nice and friendly. Jack did say no one in his family cared that he was gay but I did feel kind of out of place since I didn't know anyone. Jack stayed by my side so I wouldn't feel as awkward and I just stood with him while he talked to his cousins. I seemed to always follow him like a puppy just like at the earlier of the year but Jack didn't seem to mind when I did. His cousins even made conversation to me but I let Jack do most of the talking since he knew I wasn't much of a talker when I had just met someone. 

While one of Jack's cousins was going on about a story I felt a tugging on my shirt and looked down to see Hannah. She was grinning up at me.

“Hi!” she said.

“Hey there.” I smiled down at her.

“Hey Hann.” Jack smiled.

“Why doesn't your family wan' you?” she asked frowning.

I looked at Jack, silently asking for help, trying to figure out how to explain this to a four year old. Thankfully, Jack jumped in. “Where'd you hear that?”

“Mommy said it to daddy how it was sad.” she frowned.

Jack went down onto his knees. “Well, Alex and I love each other a lot. Like your mom and dad do.” he explained. “But some people don't like that because we're both boys.”

“Why?” she asked, furrowing her brows and cocking her head to the side. 

“People just don't.” he said. “But remember there's nothing wrong with two people of the same gender loving each other.”

She nodded. “So does that mean you're both pwinces?” she asked.

I mentally 'awed'. Little kids were so understanding I couldn't believe it. “I guess you could say that. Nothing wrong with two princesses either, okay?” 

She nodded. “'Cause you 'wuv each other.”

“Exactly.” Jack grinned pocking her stomach and she squealed and ran off to play with the other kids.

When Jack stood up his cousin spoke up. “Oh, did you get kicked out of your home?” he asked, concern across his face.

“Stray from the Rae Christian Church unfortunately.” I admitted. At this point, I'd rather say it myself than let Jack do all the explaining. 

“Shit.” he muttered. “I knew they were bad but that's horrible.”

“It's fine.” I shook my head. “It's not that big of a deal.”

“So how'd you get the goat out of your frat house?” Jack asked, changing the subject. His cousin went back into the story and Jack took my hand, intertwining our fingers.

…

Jack and I were going to go back to college tomorrow. We decided to drive with my car so it wouldn't be parked outside his parents house for God knows how long. It wasn't that long of a drive anyway. But there was one thing I had to do. I wanted to confront my family. After spending so much time with Jack's I'd really learnt how accepting people can be and I loved that. They'd practically accepted me as part of the family already. But I felt that it wasn't over until I confront them. I knew I'd be rejected, but I'd rather leave on my own terms.

And that's why I was sitting in my car in my hometown, outside the local mall. I knew where'd my family would be picketing today. Unless there was something else going on it'd be outside the mall.

I was parked near the front entrance where they were in clear sight. I stared at them for a moment, feeling my palms sweat under my gloves.

“Hey.” Jack said squeezing my shoulder. “It'll be okay.”

“I'm just... nervous.” I said, looking down at my lap. 

“We can just go back to my place. We can watch movies and cuddle.” he smiled.

I shook my head. “I need to do this first.” I said. “Just hold my hand. That's all I really need you to do.”

He nodded and we stepped out of the car. I eyed my family and one of my brothers caught my eye. I bit my lip and felt like I was frozen in face. I felt Jack take my hand and intertwined our fingers and I instantly felt myself relax.

I looked at him then at my family, then started walking towards them, focussing on the sound of the snow crushing under my feat instead of my fast heartbeat.

When I was a few feet away from them, met with glares and looks of disgust, I spoke. “You can either accept me for who I am or I can be out of your lives for good.”

“You're disgusting, you know that?” My mom said bitterly. 

“Maybe, but I'm happy.” I shot back, feeling my hand shake. Jack squeezed it in reassurance. 

“I thought we raised you better than this.” My dad snapped.

I bit my lip losing any confidence I had. This was it. This really was the last I'd see of my family. The only people I relied on for so many years.

“You know what; fuck all of you.” Jack spoke. 

“Excuse me?” my mom asked, clearly offended.

“He's your own son. You're seriously going to outcast him just because he's gay? That's awful!”

“No, your sin is awful.” my dad replied calmly.

“Look, I've never been religious, but can't you think for yourself and care more about your son's happiness than what some book says?”

“You are no doubt the one who changed him.” 

“You know what, no.” Jack shook his head. “When I met Alex he was this quiet, reserved guy that was insecure about his sexuality. But ever since he and I got together, he's still quiet and reserved but so fucking happy. You can see it in him. And you're shit bags if you really can't accept it.”

“All that doesn't matter; it's still a sin.” my dad said.

Jack opened his mouth to speak again but I placed my hand on his arm. He looked at me confused. “Fuck it.” I said. “They're beyond reason.” I turned back to them. “Fuck all of you. Enjoy your miserable, bigoted lives. I won't be apart of it.” And I turned to leave, tugging Jack's hand. No one stopped us. No one yelled. We just left with only the sound of the snow crushing under our feet and me feeling relief to have finally cut off those strings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't really like a lot of it but here it is. There's still an epilogue left and then this'll be done. 
> 
> [Tumblr](http://caraphatash.tumblr.com/)


	12. Chapter 12

5 years later

After my first year of college Jack and I decided to get an apartment near campus so we had somewhere to live during the Summer. I didn't want to impose and live at Jack's parents so it seemed like the best idea. We were both working so we were able to find a decent apartment. It was nice living with him in a bigger place instead of the small dorm room. 

I was now all finished with college and Jack and I moved to Manhattan. Jack was working as a high school teacher and I worked in accounting. Our life was pretty mundane but I was more than happy I was spending the time with him.

I wasn't sure if I missed my family. They were all I had for eighteen years of my life but they made me feel awful about myself. They made no effort in contacting me either which was no surprise. I was happy with Jack anyway. 

As for where I stood religiously, that's something I usually avoided thinking about. I'm not entirely sure what I believed. Jack wasn't religious so we didn't go to church anyway. I kind of adopted his carefree attitude and didn't really care.

“You ready?” Jack called.

“Coming!” I called back, slipping on a beanie. We were going to hang out with some of our friends from college. We hadn't seen them that much since they graduated three years ago with Jack. We were meeting up with Michael, Luke, Lynn, and Lynn's girlfriend Alexa.

I met Jack in our living room and he smiled at me. “Ready.” I said. He took my hand and lead me out of our apartment.

…

So where do expect three gay couples to go at night?

A popular pizza place obviously.

Jack and I walked into the pizza place and scanned to see if anyone else had arrived.

“Jack! Alex!” A voice called and we saw Michael waving us over from a circular booth, the light reflecting on his new wedding band. We walked up to him and he sat back down next to Luke, who was sitting next to Lynn, who was sitting with her girlfriend, Alexa.

“Hey guys.” Jack said, sitting next to Alexa and I sat next to him.

“Naturally you two are late.” Michael commented.

“Shut up. You were almost late to your own wedding.” I retort.

“I made it, didn't I?”

“Luke, you're really willing to put up with him forever?” Jack asked jokingly.

“I'm in love. I'm stuck.” He shrugged. 

Michael gave him a playful shove. “I love you too, Luke.” 

We ordered a large pepperoni pizza to share and went into a conversation about recent things we'd been doing and swapping stories along with reminiscing about college. We hadn't all seen each other since Luke and Michael's wedding five months ago. I'd met Alexa during spring break in my freshman year. We didn't know each other too well but she was nice and she and Lynn were good together.

After we ate we were walking down Fifth Avenue. It was Fall so it was cool out. Jack and I were walking ahead of the others. I glanced at Jack and I'd known him long enough to know when he's thinking hard about something.

“What you thinking about?” I asked.

He jumped a little. He looked back at me. “Uh, just stressing over those damn tests I have to grade.”

He was lying. I knew he was. What was he doing?

We walked for a little longer until we were passing the arch at Washington Square Park and Jack stopped.

“What?” I asked, raising my brow at him.

“Uh, I've always liked that arch.” he shrugged. 

“Uh hu.” I said, still confused.

“Hold on, I want to do something.” he said and pulled me by my hand towards the arch. I let him since I was in a state of confusion. Why would he randomly stop in the middle of the street?

He stopped when we were under the arch, in the centre. He let go of my hand and looked up. “The design is really pretty.”

I looked up and yeah, it was a nice design. I never paid attention to it when we came here. I looked back forward, expecting to meet Jack's eye, but instead, he was lower than me. I looked down to see him on one knee and a felt box in his hand. 

I covered my mouth with my hand. “Jack.” I said softly, a smile growing on my face.

“Alex, from the day a met you I knew you were special. Back then, I wasn't sure why, but everyday since I met you I've felt happier. The night we got together is seriously one of the best nights of my life. I can't put into words how happy you make me. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I love you more than anything. Will you marry me?” He opened the box to reveal the silver band.

I nodded furiously, only now realising I had tears running down my face. “Yes.” I said. “Oh my God, yes!” I took the ring from the box and he stood up. He took the ring so he could put the ring on my left ring finger. I leaned forward and pressed our lips together in a salty kiss, wrapping my arms around his neck. He cradled my face in his left hand and I felt him smile through the kiss. I could hear our friends whooping and cheering us, and I pulled away to laugh.

“God, I love you so much, Jack Barakat.” I said.

He kissed my forehead. “I love you too, Alex Gaskarth.”

“I think from now on it'll be Alex Barakat.” I said and he grinned at me, kissing me again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's done! Not that long but this was alright. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed my little story and thanks for reading!
> 
> [Tumblr](http://caraphatash.tumblr.com/)


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